Truckin'

Have I said I'm stressed recently? Just wondering...

I'm actually fine. I've had an o.k. couple of days. Unmentionable paid me back. I shall give him a kudo for this.

Christine has been amazing and we have basically both been using her car. Words cannot describe how much of a life saver she is. One day I'll have the means to repay her.

I'm still trying random avenues to get my own car. I tried one of those no credit check car lots and the payment for a crappy car was through the roof. I couldn't afford it if I wanted to. There is also a possibility that Audra will be getting a new car soon. If that's the case, she said I can have her old car and just make payments. I'm really hoping for that one because it would be the easiest for me. Other than that I applied to ANOTHER car lot that is similar but has more vehicles. Maybe they will have something cheaper? I don't know.

I'm happy because the past two days I have not wanted to give up. I had a good week where I felt helpless and hopeless and really didn't see a silver lining at all. I was forcing myself to pretend to be positive. I'm still scared and worried but I think I'm going to be fine.

I feel like my survival mode has shut me down from actually SEEING my surroundings right now. They are there, but things aren't clicking with me. It's like, if they were to click, I would just shut down from being so overwhelmed. On the one hand it's a good thing because I'm able to keep trucking forward. On the other, I feel detached. I feel like I'm not experiencing life to it's fullest. I'm missing details. It's like I'm in a bubble. Floating by. I can't hear, everything is blurry... I probably sound insane. The reason I even said that is because I just can't wait until I can burst out of the bubble and live again. All this stress gone. I can start over and do the things I've always wanted to do.

"It's just a matter of time until you will look back on this time in your life and draw a strength from the knowledge that even though the road was rocky, you perservered and carried on" -Donna Fargo Take Each Day One Step at a Time

Help

The biggest lesson I've been having to learn this week is to accept help from people who love me. I don't know what it is, but that is the most difficult thing in the world to me. I HATE being helped so much. Truly hate. I had such a long period of time where I was not able to cry over anything, and now I'm crying once a day because I hate that I'm having to be helped by so many people. I appreciate it so much, and it's unbelievable what people will do to help other people. It's just weird to be the one helped. I'm usually the giver. I enjoy being able to help others. I feel like I'm putting people out now and I don't like it.

That being said, because I've been obsessing over it, I think I may be starting to realize that maybe this is just part of life. Another cycle that makes the world go 'round. People help, then those people help, and so on. Everyone needs help sometimes. And obviously, the hardest part is not helping, but accepting the help. But it's ok to need it sometimes. I think....

I think this might be one of those experiences that will only make me smarter and stronger and probably a lot more awesome. Assuming I make it out on the other end.

I think I just rambled...

Once abusive, always abusive. Mentally, physically. Whatever it is. If that's you... don't try to make someone come back with threats. ;) Doesn't work that way. Really helps hate settle in, though. Nobody wants hate on their shoulders, either. It's exhausting.

That pizza money overdrafted my account, too. I can feel myself turning red every time I look at my account. I won't use the word I want to. $50 turned into $120. I have a few more things pending including my paycheck, but I've noticed my bank likes to screw you before they deposit your check. So there could be more overdraft fees. If there are, I'm going to raise hell. I can't lose ANYMORE money than I already have over someone elses carelessness and stupidity. I'll never get it back. Whatever.

Can this be done now please? And please explain... why does this have to be a war? Respect isn't deserved here? Really?

Next Subject.

Happiness for today.... It is GORGEOUS outside. I'm just going to sit on the porch for a little while and enjoy the day. This weather is actually making me WANT to do laundry too. Weird...

:'-(

I checked my paypal account today and it made me want to cry. I'm not one to easily accept help but at this point I have had to let go of my pride and just take it. I'm in tears over how many people actually care about a stranger. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. You are all amazing.

Well, no more talking about ex significant other for reasons I probably can't even say. So, he is officially wiped from my blog. Fair is fair.

HE USED MY FREAKING CARD TO BUY PIZZA ($50 for two people!??!?!?!) FOR HIM AND HIS BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I could say a lot more but I'm TOO PISSED!

*We have seperate accounts. He logged into my Papa Johns account and used my card that was saved on there. Ugh.

Well that plan didn't work. Time to sell everything I own... damn. This is going to suck so bad. I'm just trying to keep in mind.... If I have a car, I can keep my job. If I have a job, I can replace my things.

Ok, let's be honest. I really want to jump from the sixth floor right now. Lol. Having an empty apartment with only a futon mat is not exactly my idea of fun. Me, my futon mat, and my laptop. Oh yea, and my evil cat that hates me. FUN!!!!!

Ugh.

Nothing really has changed. I hope I get this figured out soon. I can't stand this. I feel like such a loser and I'm just waiting for my friends to flip on me. I know hauling someone around gets old quick.

I dunno.

I kinda just want to take a week long nap.

One day this will only be a memory

I have been determined and have tried to take initiative. I have been trying to stay strong. I have been repeating corny sayings that are suppose to help you stay positive. I have surrounded myself with friends. I have forced smiles on my face when I wanted to cry. I have made myself go to work everyday (even if I haven't been a model employee necessarily). I have refused to give up. I have got to keep it up. I just refuse to be forced to do anything I don't want to do. If I want something, I can get it. I might have to sacrifice things here and there, but damn it it is attainable.

Aren't I motivational?

Today I went to get my own loan for a little beater car.... and was denied. I forgot about my school loans that I haven't been able to pay. Lord, give me strength. I balled my eyes out for a good thirty minutes, I threw myself a pity party, then got back to business. I have resources and I'm just going to have to use them up. I have one more option that could work, if it doesn't then I'm going to sell every single thing I own but my computer. Couch, coach purses, jewelery, tv, dining table... everything. If I have a ride, I can survive. All the rest can be slowly replaced. I had a moment of pre-greiving, but I know I could be ok with this decision.

I know people think I should move to Alaska, but my heart isn't there. I want to be here in the lower 48. I love my family and I wish they lived here so bad. You have no idea. However, I cannot see myself being happy in Alaska. I would be OK there. And I know it wouldn't be a terrible situation at all. I just have to try to stay here. I want to be here. I know I can do it. If it turns out I can't, then yes, I will go to Alaska. But I'm going to die trying to be here, damn it. Ugh. If they lived anywhere in the lower 48 I would go. I just can't do that without having no other option.

Anyway, I'm having a terrible week. I'm doing my best to keep on trucking. I never know what will happen tomorrow. Typically, if I try to figure it out, I'm always way off. So I won't even dare try. All I know is that these things always pass. I have to remember that one day this will be a memory just like all the other bad times. I'm just glad I'm alive and healthy and so are my friends and family. Can't ask for much more.

Always trying to make sense of things

Today I am the only one scheduled at the office and I don't have a way to get there. Part of me doesn't even care. Though I'm sure that is survival mode.

Ok, I just switched schedules around. Ugh. I have to figure something out very soon. Cleve doesn't want me selling my rings, and I don't either, but I think it's going to be the only way. Everything is always so depressing. I always feel bad for new people who come into my life. You poor things. So much baggage...

Well, good thing is I get to sleep in today. The office has been bad. Another girl quit so now we are working about 50 hours a week, 6 days a week. Very exhausting. My lack of sleep hasn't helped with this either.

My mom called last night freaking (Love you mom!). She was so upset that in this situation Cleve has resources that can help him out of the jam and I have nothing. She doesn't think it's fair. I'm not sure what I think. I guess my first reaction, though, is that I served the country in my own way. I took care of a wounded warrior for almost four years. I endured a lot in those years, and I deserve to be taken care of if there are circumstances that are out of my control. I didn't ask for this outcome. In fact, I wanted something completely different. I've tried so hard. I've put myself second. I've sacrificed so much. But none of it matters. And it does kind of boggle my mind that the military expected me to deal with this, but will not help me when things are desperate. I am experiencing the effects of war. This was not my fault. Yet, I am suffering and am not worthy of help. Well, I guess that is what I think. haha. At the same time, another part of me says I chose to leave. I made my bed, and now I'm laying in it. Then again he threw my stuff on the lawn. I was kicked out. I just stayed away after he thought I should come back.

See why I'm insane? I sit here and argue with myself...

In the end, I hate being helped anyway. It just urked me that someone who is abusive, doesn't work, and has been flat out not paying any bills is going to get help when I have been busting my ass and had to leave for my own safety. Really? Well, that's life. I know I can do it on my own, anyway, and will feel amazing when I do.

Wow, I might get reamed for this blog... oh well.