Of course I couldn't stay away from my blog for long. My boss gave me the day off (Though I'll probably go in for a minute anyway...going stir crazy) so I have a minute of alone time to think.
Cleve was going back and forth between being nice and mean last night. One second he threatened to take my car and wanted the money in the account. The next he said he was going to wash the clothes he threw in the front yard. In the end he snapped, again, because I wasn't playing his games. I am still at my friends and am in the process of planning my way out.
I failed to make this work. I can honestly say I have never tried so hard at something in my life. I wish this wasn't happening.
Tragic.
I'm terrified. For now, I'm homeless. My plans are in the air. I'm depending on others. I hate this. I always end up back here. I wonder how many other caregivers end up on the street because they are scared of their husband or have been kicked out. I feel really alone. My mind is not working correctly right now. I feel destructive. I'm embarrassed. I'm a lot of things.
I've been a wife and caregiver for so long, I don't know where else I fit. Who am I? What do I do? Where do I belong? I've been trying my hardest not to think of any of this. I don't want to cry. I hate crying. I want to curl up in a ball and be taken somewhere else. I want to eat everything greasy I can find. I want to party until I collapse. I want to dye my hair the opposite color (I get why Britney shaved her head). I want to scream.
Really though, I'm ok. I'm still trucking. I still have self control and I won't let my crazy thoughts take over.
Yea, I'm going to work.
X-mas presents.
58 minutes ago
23 words of wisdom:
I'm really sorry things are going the way they are for you.
The most important thing is to not let the situation dictate to you how you will react.
You are still you. No one can take you away from you unless you allow it.
I know it's hard right now. And I wish I could say that it's all going to be okay......
But I can't.....
And I won't.....
Just keep on keeping on and know that you have people that care. Even if it's only people that you've never met.
Be good to yourself.
Have you done any looking into any programs for spouses? I will see what I can find and email you. There has got to be someplace that can help out.
Girl, you didn't fail at this. You gave it your all and if it didn't work...this was not your fault. Please know that. You have done everything possible - and more, actually - than so many of us would have ever done. xoxo.
I'm so sorry you are having to go thru all of this. Do you have any family that you can move in with for a while? I will pray that you get some answers on how to best move forward - good luck girl!
Sassypants wifey has a good point. Someone down at the VA should be able to put you into contact with a support group or a rescue group. There's no shame in what happened on your part. You stuck it out and tried your best, and that's all anyone can ask from you!
Be who you were before you dedicated yourself to this. Where did you live then? Who fed you then?
Just remember, If you try to drown your sorrows. Sorrows can swim...
I've been reading your blog for awhile, and I really hoped things would be different. You tried. You tried hard.You gave up everything to help him, and in the end, one person doing all the work doesn't work.
I've had one marriage fail(he was cheating on me). And at the time, it seemed like I had failed. I felt like a failure. It does get better.. take one day at a time.
Big hugs to you.
You're not alone. I've been there. Almost homeless myself. (thank you, grandma) Hang in there, you're in my prayers. And if you need to talk, I'm always here.
I'm so sorry to hear about this situation, sweetheart. You're such a beautiful person, inside and out! You deserve the best! And, don't let anybody bring you down... you need to do what is best for you for a change. Take as much time as you need to think things through, and in the end, make the decision that fits your needs best. And, I definitely agree with Sassypants and Heather. You need to see somebody that can help you through this. Don't try to do it on your own. Getting help doesn't mean you've failed or done anything wrong... it simply means you need help. I'll be praying for you through this difficult time. Just know that I love you and I'm here for you if you ever need ANYTHING!!!! <3 Keep your head up sweetheart, you've got a lot of people who love you and want only the best for you!!!
I totally know how you feel sometimes. My husband has TBI and PTSD and he is totally not the man that I married at times. There are times I want to just give up and cut my losses and get up and go. I love my husband, God knows I do, but, I too feel like I could pull hair out. Stay strong sweetheart!
:( im so sorry... i wish u could just walk away and start a new life.. although thats like nearly impossible... im worried about u and i hope u will be okay.
Like the others have said, you have not failed. You put forth so much effort into this relationship. I'm so sorry that things are not working out - you are a strong person and I know you'll get through this.
I don't think I can add anything to what has already been said above. Time to look to your own sanity and safety.
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think I've missed a couple posts (sitting in my reader), but I am really feeling for you right now.
You must feel so lost, but just know that from what I've read I know you're much more than a caregiver. You're a fiesty (in the most complimentary way), strong woman and I wish you all the best no matter what happens.
I am so sorry things are going this way for you. You're such a strong person and I know you will be able to work your way through. Take care hun.
I'm sorry that its come to this, you've tried so hard and fought for so long. I'll be praying for you and I hope that you'll be able to get on your feet soon.
Now you will draw on the strength you have developed taking care of Cleve to take care of yourself. Any mentally healthy individual knows through and through that you went above and beyond but the time has come when you must take care of yourself. Think of it in terms of an addict, sometimes they have to hit their own bottom, as scary as that may be, caregivers have to walk away (not saying you are enabling)-take care of themselves and pray that the ill loved one will do the same. You are actually setting an example of emotional health and self-care. YOU GO!!!
http://abc.go.com/watch/2020/166626/240777/rihanna-speaks-out
Good luck, girl.
I really agree with Hilary. You have done soooo much for him. And then he truly had been 100% rock bottom would have died with out you, and you DID step up. Now it's time to take care of you so that you don't hit rock bottom. I've always been a firm believer in of course doing things out of love, but don't do something he can do for himself. I think you both would benefit from time apart to just breath and get perspective. Good luck girl :)
I am so sorry!!! Hang in there!!! I am thinking about you.
Just found this blog. Does your community have a domestic violence center? I dont know the extent of your situation but even if you arent being beaten every day, they can help out, the one in my town will help with getting you a place to live, a job, bills...the needs. Please dont be afraid to call, thats what they are there for and its something. They will also help you with counseling in case you need to talk with someone. Best of Luck, you are doing the right thing, take it one breath at a time.
Hope you are OK.
Hope you are ok.
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