Wife [Widow] of a Wounded Marine

Lessons in my first weeks of school

2012-01-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

I have been busy, busy, busy with school.

I LOVE it. I don't even care that some of it is hard (French). It just makes me that much more determined.

Here are a few lessons I learned in the last two weeks:

-Always order your books well before school starts and make sure you don't need a code for an accompanying online program before buying them on Amazon. I bought mine a week before from Amazon and didn't get most of them until a week after school started. I also found out that half of them needed an online code, which only comes with new books. I ended up having to buy the code anyway (I couldn't until yesterday), which defeated the purpose of buying on Amazon which was, obviously, to save money. I also got behind on some assignments, which really irks me.

-Don't ever assume there will be parking closer to your next class. I tried driving from class to class on my first day. Not only was I risking getting a ticket because everyone has designated parking, but the parking is so bad that I should have kept the spot I had and walked - fast. I was almost late for my classes because I was having to circle the entire campus to find another parking space and ended up having to park even further away than I was in the first place.

-Just because I haven't been in school for forever, doesn't mean I'm a complete moron. I'm keeping up with everyone just fine - so far.

-Always keep an umbrella, rain boots, and a rain coat in the car. I walked into my third class yesterday looking as though I had taken a shower with my clothes on; shoes, hoodie, white t-shirt, and all. It. Was. Pouring. And my classes are far apart. As I was walking through what could have easily been a tsunami, all I could think about was that scene in Forrest Gump when he was talking about the rain going down-ways, up-ways, side-ways.... Yea. There was no escaping it. I had the hood of my hoodie over my head, which was doing nothing. I held onto the bottom of my backpack straps and hauled ass. I was splashed by cars driving by, I stomped through deep puddles, and when I finally reached my car (I cheated. I couldn't walk the entire way. And luckily - there was parking at my next class) the rain switched directions and slapped me right in the face. I couldn't see the handle to the car. Finally, after scrambling around and cracking the hell up, I got into my car and continued to laugh for a minute. I finally got to my class and squeaked, shoes completely soaked, all the way to my chair. It was funny until the cold air conditioning began to induce hypothermia. No thanks. Next time I will be prepared.

-Learning a new language is harder than it seems. Especially when you haven't even taken an English class in forever. FYI (for anyone who isn't already aware), college English is nothing but writing papers, which I'm totally cool with and doing really well with so far. However, if you are like me and have forgotten what is what in a sentence (pronouns, nouns, verbs, etc..), be prepared to relearn that on your own to make another language make sense. The day my professor covered these things, I kinda wanted to leap out of the nearest window. It's so embarrassing to admit, but to me, it was gibberish on top of gibberish. I came straight home and have been studying this crap ever since. Luckily, relearning the parts of a sentence wasn't that difficult. Just had to refresh. And I'm starting to get the French stuff. My accent is atrocious, but at least I know what I'm saying. Ha!

I've made a promise to myself that I would never be too busy for my blog. So, this is me taking a break from my homework to write in it. However, I have way too much to do and I must get back to it.

Au Revoir!

The iPhone - and why I shouldn't be allowed to own technology.

2012-01-22T19:01:00.000-06:00

I recently got an iPhone after avoiding it for years. I'm not sure why I avoided it exactly, other than the fact that it's become a habit of mine to avoid things everyone else likes for long periods of time only to succumb to the awesomeness of whatever that thing is every freaking time. Not sure why I don't give this habit up - it's my cross to bear.

Anyway, I recently discovered this app Cam Wow (Thank you Kristle).

This is the result.

Viewer discretion is advised.

I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that it took me so long to discover the greatness of the iPhone, or the fact that it took this app to convince me of it's greatness.

Sweet dreams my friends.

Non-Traditional Student

2012-01-20T19:16:00.000-06:00

The first time I applied for college was when I was 20 years old. I had been married for only a couple of months, my husband was deployed, and I had recently realized that my current career, flight attending, just did not fit in with my new life. I needed something more stable - something that gave me a better paycheck and allowed me to be home every night. I knew the only way I would be able to get what I wanted was to go back to school, so I signed up.

Not long after, I got the acceptance letter. I took my math placement test and applied for financial aid. Everything was set for the Summer semester. I was so excited and proud of myself. Until that point I had never imagined myself to be a college student. I always thought I didn't need school to succeed. Now, with school at my fingertips, I wanted nothing more.

A week or so later, I got the message that Cleve had been injured in Iraq. I threw college to the side and I went to DC to take care of my husband.

Over the next four years I applied to college multiple times. I've lost count of how many. Each time Cleve seemed to be doing better and things seemed to be more stable, I would find the nearest college and apply. Each time I eventually had to resign for one reason or another, usually pertaining to his injuries; sometimes due to my total insanity and inability to cope with our new life. Going to college, it seemed, had become an unattainable goal. Still, it became an obsession - my ultimate goal in life.

It has been six years since Cleve was injured. Six. Freaking. Years. It has also been six years since I applied for college for the very first time and was shot down by life's crazy circumstances. It's been a long journey. But that's ok. Because today, I write this AS a student (thank you, thank you). In fact, I just finished my first week. I finally did it.

Though I am much older than I would prefer to be as a college freshman (it's very weird to have 19 year-olds as my peers), I am proud of myself for making it here at all, and for having the gonads to do it after not seeing the inside of a classroom for nine years. And really, I probably have a lot more to offer at this point in my life than I would have back then, anyway. I know exactly what I want to do, I know how the "real world" works, and I know how lucky I am to be able to even have an education.

To anyone who may be considering going to college as a non-traditional student, I encourage you to do so. It is not as bad as you might think it is. In fact, it's pretty awesome - I think, anyway.

Yesterday, as I was running to my next class, sure I was going to be late, I felt like I was going to cry. Not because I was afraid of being late, but because I was so happy to be having that problem. I was a student late for class. What an amazing gift!

It's never too late to tackle your goals and never too late to create a new life for yourself. I'm so excited to see where this takes me.

My Rings - To wear or not to wear.... and who cares?

2012-01-14T07:56:00.000-06:00

Since my husband passed, people have asked me on separate occasions when I will stop wearing my rings. They have also asked why I still wear them now and why some days I don't.

Well, the answer is pretty straight forward. I do what feels right to me at that very second.

When Cleve first died, I got a heart tattoo on my ring finger. I like to show it off so I wore my wedding rings on my right hand, same finger, religiously. When I started dating Nick, the rings were worn less. I didn't know if there were "rules" on what was acceptable or appropriate and didn't want to make Nick uncomfortable. I also didn't want people thinking I was some sort of hypocrite (I'm always worried about upsetting other people. Not sure why.)

As time went on, my relationship with Nick progressed, I met other widows (this was key), and I began wearing them again.

Why?

Because I realized I can do... whatever the hell makes me happy.

Other widows were wearing their husbands rings on their ring finger along with their new engagement rings. Others wore their rings around their necks. Others wore theirs on the same finger I wear mine. Some didn't have a ring. Some didn't wear the rings they had. Everyone did what felt right to them. I realized, this isn't about Nick or random people or even Cleve. It's about me. And I like wearing my rings on my right ring finger. And some days, it's too hard to wear them, so I stow them away until I decide they make me happy again. That's ok.

When will I stop wearing them all together? Maybe never? I have no idea. As of now, I like them right where they are and can't imagine not ever wearing them again. Reality is that once you're widowed, you'll always be a widow. Cleve will always be a part of me. My widowdom is baggage (Louis Vuitton baggage!!) that I am proudly going to have with me forever. This ring willbe with me, too.

So... thar ya go. Take it or leave it people.

Now I'm off to Birmingham to see Shannon, Matt, Connor, and Evan. Last weekend to travel before school!

Mucho Love.

I Love You Always. Always. Always. Always. Happy 6th Anniversary my Angel.

2012-01-12T09:38:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. Not only was it college orientation, but my 6th wedding anniversary. I have to say, it makes me happy when my widowy anniversaries (we have many - death, life, marriage, etc.) land on days I'm busy with something else. Yesterday was perfect. I was able to think of him but just before I'd allow myself to get overly upset, I had to focus on something for school.

Orientation was easier than I expected. I always blow things up in my mind.

"What if I cant find the building?"
"What If I'm the oldest person there?"
"What if I fart when the teacher's talking?"

I found the building, I was not the oldest person there, and I managed to keep all farts in appropriate time slots and places. The first part of orientation was held in a small auditorium style room reminiscent of a small movie theater. The room was a little outdated, which made me feel at ease. I felt I could get comfortable in my seat, bad posture and all, without feeling bad. When my surroundings are too nice, I tend to feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, too skanky makes me feel dirty, which also makes me uncomfortable. I had no issues with that here.

The group of freshman was mixed. Mostly young kids, fresh out of High School, but as I looked around I could tell there were a few faces that had obviously seen a little bit more of life than living at mom and dads. One woman was significantly older than me, probably in her fifties, and a few of the others seemed to be late twenties to thirties. Thank god, because the first girl I saw as I came through the doors and signed in -- had a side pony (exactly when did those come back into style?!) and a sparkly headband. I needed the reassurance from peers with a few wrinkles, a few extra pounds, and an outdated fashion sense (according to 17 year olds...)

For the second part of orientation, they split us up into groups by major so that we could meet our advisors and register for classes. I was the only one that showed up in my major. I was ok with this. All of the focus from then on out was on me. The teacher (professor?) who led me through the registration process was extremely sweet and overly happy. I would describe her as... squishy and bubbly. Maybe uncomfortably so at times, but I realize at this point in my life that that is my issue, and not hers. (Happy people just scare me in general. My cross to bare.) We discussed my minor. I already knew what I wanted- Foreign Languages. She seemed to think it was a great combination with Journalism. It gives me the option of being able to study abroad - an exciting thought. I'm starting with French. She was also impressed that I had already chosen a major and minor right off the bat. That made me feel special. Then I realized it was only because I'm an old fart and therefore have had plenty of time to mull over it. Still, to give myself a little credit, that's the one good thing about waiting to go to college. I know what I want and am taking classes right off the bat to get it. No wasted time over here!

So, I'm now enrolled and considered.... a student. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that the sky doesn't fall on my face, because I'd really like to finish this.

As far as my anniversary, orientation kept me nice and distracted until about 1pm when they let us free. I was starving so I stopped at a sushi place to grab a roll and calm down from the mornings activities. I was still high on excitement as I drove home, but the closer I got to home, the more the reality of the day hit me. I started thinking about the day we got married. Then started thinking about our marriage. About the shoebox I had when I was 13 that had my name with his last name attached and how ironic it was that it actually happened nearly ten years later. I decided to bring him some flowers and a card.

Bad idea.

I found the perfect flowers, red and white for Alabama - his favorite football team that won the BCS Bowl the night before. I then wandered to the card section - and this is where I messed up.

"I can't imagine my life without you."
"Every morning I wake up to your face I appreciate my life even more."
"The world is a better place with you in it."
"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

One even said something along the lines of, "I know you aren't in Timbuktu or anything, but I can't help but miss you when you're gone." Um, I wish he was in Timbuktu... shit.

A tad crushed, I continued to search, fighting back tears as I read through more and more hopeful (nauseating) love letters.

I decided then and there that they need a "you died" section in every card aisle so that anyone who has lost someone and would like to place a loving card on their grave can do so without wanting to shoot themselves then and there.

I was approximately two seconds from pulling out a gun when I did finally find something that was appropriate. I squeaked a tear, purchased my gifts, and went to see Cleve.

There was something morbidly pretty about the card and flowers laying across the grave. He looked loved. That made me happy. I sat with him for a minute, telling him that I don't appreciate the fact that he hasn't been in my dreams much lately. My widow friend was told by a psychic once (yes, we resort to these things for comfort) that when our loved ones who have passed feel their presence is no longer helping us, they will back away from us and let us live our lives. Um.... I'm not ok with this. I want to piggy back Cleve for the rest of my life. I told him this and I hope he heard. I would rather feel he's there through everything and me hurt because of it every once and a while then never feel him there at all. (DO YOU HEAR ME CLEVELAND?!)

I ended the night with a widow dinner. I was going to go it alone, then decided not to be pathetic. I called my two widows, and of course, because they are awesome, they were there. We ate pizza, had some beer (I chose Sweetwater 420 because he died on 420 and it just seemed appropriate), and proceeded with crazy widow/girl talk. I left feeling refreshed, and loved, and grateful.

It's been SIX years since Cleve and I took the plunge. A lot... a whole lot has happened since then. I remember when anniversaries were filled with "what ifs" and excitement over the thought of our future together. Now, I can only reminisce on our past and I am no longer the one getting the flowers. I miss him every day and am so thankful for every single second we had together. We would have known each other for 14 years this year. Fourteen years ago, I knew I'd marry him. And I did, damn it. Score.

I love you... always. Always. Always. Always. Until I die and see you again.

I may have posted this song before, but I don't care.

Charleston, South Carolina Weekend

2012-01-09T15:33:00.000-06:00

Just a few pictures from the weekend.

Widdas on the beach

...

Our house

The girls

Out for Danielle's birthday

There's no connection like a widow connection

2012-01-04T09:51:00.002-06:00

Last night was my friends husbands two year "angelversary" (the cute word a widow, probably Taryn, made up to soften the blow of what it really is - the day our husband died). For this, Kelly and I went to Tiffany's house to celebrate Brad's life through board games, pizza, and Patron shots. When you meet Tiffany (Brian's widow), or Kelly, or any of the widows I've gotten close to, your first reactions go something like this:

"Wow, she's pretty."
"Wow, she's smart."
"Wow, she's funny."
"She's so, so strong..."
"She's really got her shit together considering the circumstances. How does she do it?"

The girls I've gotten close to seem invincible sometimes, even to me. It can almost be intimidating. When I take a step back and think about these new people in my life, I'm in awe of how lucky I am to associate with them not only in general, but on a daily basis and on a deep, connective level. I mean, it's not 'lucky' how us coming together happened, but I feel lucky that it was us that came together. I mean, it could have been anyone, yet it was these girls I was so blessed to have in my life. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm losing track of my point...

So I have these strong girls in my life that, frankly, I look up to. But reality is that most of us just play a good game. Yes we have strong qualities, but there's another side that we typically don't let people see. The massively damaged side. And despite our great ability to hide it, we are all well aware of our own discrepancies which often leads to us unfairly judging the shit out of ourselves. I do this to myself often. Too often. I think a lot of widows do. Actually, I bet most people do. I look at the other widows in my life and I think, "If only I could be more like them. They really have their shit together. How do they do that?" It sucks sometimes feeling that the ones around you, especially the ones you relate to the most, are somehow doing this life thing better than you. Makes me feel like a failure.

Dramatic, maybe, but honest.

Then, reality hits. As I sat in Tiffany's kitchen, chatting with my two girls, the conversation got serious as it typically does with us at some point. The conversation almost always goes back to our husbands.The husbands came up and we started admitting how terribly we all felt we were coping with it all. All of us... feel like we are hot messes. All of us. My beautiful, sweet, smart, friends who make it seem like everything is ok on a daily basis, feel like they are falling apart half the time.... just like me. The idea that anyone was doing anything better than me, was all in my head.

Is it sick that I find comfort in this? Probably. But, I bet they find comfort in the fact that I'm a hot mess, too. Kelly always tells me things along the lines of, "Girl, you do more on your computer in a couple of hours than I do in an entire week."

Well, I think she's crazy. Because, most of the time, I do this on my computer. I write. About nothing. And maybe sometimes I have something 'meaningful' that I'm doing, but in reality, the few things that are meaningful are slowww moving. Getting a tag on my car was a feat. I still have yet to pay the ticket I got last month and though I should do it right now while I'm thinking about it, I won't, because I just don't care to. All of my underwear have holes in them right now, but they still serve the purpose at hand so I'll wait until they're falling apart, just cause. I need to get shots for school and will probably wait until the last minute. If I could get away with sleeping all day, I probably would. If I could get away with not showering for a while, I probably would do that too.

We sat in the kitchen, we poured our hearts out to each other, we looked each other in the eye and realized we're all crazy, and that that's ok. And no matter what happens - lack of shower, holey underwear and all - we have each other to lean on, and none of us will judge each other for any of it. That, my friends, is unconditional love built on shitty circumstances in common that nobody else will ever understand. And I'll take it. Somewhere along this craptastic path of pain and loss, I found sisters. Irreplaceable, beautiful, amazing, loving sisters that I love and cherish and don't thank god for enough. I really don't know what I would do without them.

I feel blessed to have my perfectly flawed new friends. They are my normal, my comfort, and my safe place.

I will never hold your crazy widowness against you if you do the same for me. I love you guys.

2011 Was A Good Year - Finally.

2011-12-30T13:43:00.000-06:00

As 2011 comes to an end, I can honestly say, this has been a really good year. There is nothing I could truly complain about. This is the first time I have ever been able to say that since I was living at home with my parents as a teen. Seriously.

I did not have to spend a single day "alone".

At no point did I feel unloved.

I had everything I needed to be comfortable and to survive in life.

I was able to travel.

I made new friends.

I was accepted to a University I thought for sure would promptly hang my application up in the trash can as soon as they received it.

I got to see my youngest sister get married, and got to be with my entire family all at once.

I got to throw my first Christmas party ever.

I met other Military widows who quickly turned into beautiful friends.

I made some mistakes, and learned from them.

I got to spend lots of time in the sun.

I was introduced to a ton of new, amazing music.

I picked up a couple writing internships (though small, you can't beat experience!)

I got to see a couple concerts.

And so on.

Somewhere between hell and here, life has become - easy. And pleasant. It's what I always wished my life would be (minus the obvious, but I think ya'll get the point). The only thing standing in my way right this very second is me and my fear of impending doom. Yes, I admit, I have been trained to assume that around every corner, something is there waiting to tear me to shreds again. Especially when things start feeling "ok". However, I refuse to let that get the best of me. I may be running on "Karie time" when it comes to getting things done, but I will get them done eventually. I won't let the past hinder my future.

Damn it.

So, this year I suppose one of my resolutions will be to stop being so scared of life, and to stop taking myself so seriously. I need to let loose a little and maybe even, god forbid, act before I think once in a while. I don't think that's such a bad thing! I want to feel more free. I want to get back to me. The real me.

And that includes getting rid of my foopah. I was so close last year. Soooo close. Then I lost motivation in typical Karie form. Well, back to the gym. Again.

So, my official resolutions are as follows:

-Lighten up. Do one thing a month that is COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone.

-Lose my evil gut. Eat more vegetables, eat less meat, drink more water, work out at least four days a week (ON A BAD WEEK!)

-Knock five things off of my bucket list. (One must be traveling outside of the US).

-Try to keep my thoughts positive.

I hope that everyone who reads this had a great year, too. And I hope that next year is not the rapture. Because that would really suck.

2012! WOOT WOOT!

What More Could I Ask For?

2011-12-28T09:13:00.001-06:00

A lot of random awesomeness has happened, all small, but all appreciated so much.

First of all, Christmas seriously was awesome. I spent it with Nick's family. I couldn't help but feel sheer thankfulness for not having to be alone. Not only that but being accepted and loved and treated as part of the family, it's priceless to me. I didn't always have that with the inlaws, some of you may recall, and the feeling is great. The day was full of music, laughter, food, eggnog, and cute puppies running around in ridiculous Christmas outfits. What more could I ask for? I am blessed.

After the festivities ended, I bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen in ten years, mostly on purpose due to an impromptu High School reunion. Pretty cool stuff. We were more or less bratty little girls back in the day which resulted in our friendship ending. I love reuniting with those types of people. It's a lesson in how people, including myself, change over time. Especially from so far back as High School. I think some people forget that we were children and that all things said/done back then should be considered irrelevant until proven otherwise. I've learned that one person at a time and each person I rekindle a relationship with teaches me something. This particular friend has been through a lot and I could tell that in a handful of ways, because of having that in common, we see the world similarly now. Its interesting and quite cool to be able to say that. Not only that but she is (always has been) a go-getter. Despite what some people may describe as "shitty odds" (i'm refraining from details because it's not my story to tell), she's taken it upon herself to throw up the middle finger to those people and pave the way to serious success by going to Law school in which she has almost completed.. Go. You. I not only have immense respect for that, but I look up to it. I hope that I can prove to be that badass.

Subject change.

A month or so ago I started talking to another Military widow on Facebook when we realized her boyfriend is from the same area I live and they visit pretty often.

Random...

And COOL!

New friend!

So, today I'm meeting her for lunch. This makes me happy. I'm taking her to the most redneck place I know of. She will either love it or think I'm insane. Hopefully she loves it. Ha!

That's all for now.

Merry Christmas 2011 - Kung Fu Style

2011-12-26T14:42:00.004-06:00

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. Mine was spent with the amazing people in my life. For that, I am grateful.

Here are a couple videos of the festive activities that took place yesterday. Melissa's husband, Robin, got Kung Fu Live for Christmas. I decided to try it out. My keen hand/eye coordination lead me to a win!

I apologize ahead of time for the music in the second one. It was so bad I had to use it.

Cleve's Happy Feet

2011-12-23T08:53:00.002-06:00

Happy Feet

Karie | Myspace Video

Thank god for video. I only wish I had taken more.

Love you, babe.

Winner of the $20k in Home Depot Home Improvements

2011-12-22T18:08:00.001-06:00

This is kinda late, however, I wanted to update on the family that I chose for the $20k in Home Depot home repairs.

My family didn't win.

HOWEVER, the Home Depot Foundation is amazing and is giving EVERY family that didn't win $5k in home improvements!!

Woot!

Congratulations to the Dilley family for a very deserved win, and congratulations to ALL the families. To each of you, thank you for your service.

Don't forget to check out the non-profit that my chosen family started for PTSD awareness.

Family of a Vet

School Take Ten....Thousand

2011-12-21T08:30:00.001-06:00

Real Estate classes are almost finished and regular 'ole school is right around the corner....again.

I. Am stoked.

....and terrified, but I'll manage.

This time all the scholarships are in order, I forgot to mention that earlier (FINALLY!!!!!), and as far as I know, there is nothing that can hold me back this time. At least nothing that can hold me back from trying. My intelligence level worries me sometimes, but I'm just gonna go in there, do my best, and worry about the rest later.

I'm trying really hard not to overload my plate, too. I have a habit of wanting to do ten things at once which results in all of them crashing to the ground. There's just so much I want to accomplish and in the back of my mind I can't help but think, "THERE MAY NOT BE A TOMORROW!", so I feel rushed. This is what happened with my business last year. It's something I've always wanted to do and I had the opportunity to do it right then, so I felt the urge to do it right then. But I forgot about my lifelong goal of just graduating college. I forgot that I have time to do both, but not if I didn't do it correctly. So, I'm trying to pace myself.

So. I have to get shots (joy). I have to take a Math placement test (That's gonna be embarrassing). I have to go to orientation all by my lonesome at a very large (to me) school. I'm thinking of this like a roller coaster or how I imagine sky diving would be. Though it makes my chest feel like it's caving a little, I'm going to survive it, and in the end the adrenaline rush will feel pretty awesome.

The Iraq War is Over

2011-12-18T16:55:00.002-06:00

The Iraq war is over and every time someone talks about it, I cry. I don't cry. Not often, anyway, so I'm not sure what has gotten into me. I'm glad it's over, trust me, but it still makes me so emotional.

The war that killed my husband is done with.

The war that changed my life is over.

What now?

If I'm being honest, I'm afraid of him being forgotten. I'm afraid of all of us being forgotten. Every person whether American or Iraqi.

People forget.

It's inevitable.

Now more than ever, I feel I can somewhat understand how the people whose lives were affected in previous wars must have felt when those wars ended. Each day that goes by takes us further and further away from the war and, in turn, takes the war further and further from peoples minds. Because of this, our future scares me. The effects of war never go away. I'm convinced that only death will truly, fully heal the pain. We just learn to live with what we were given over time. People don't seem to grasp that. And really, how could they? Only someone who has experienced loss can understand it. So over time the help and the support from others fades until it's nearly diminished.

Thing is, people have been doing this since the beginning of time. This is not the first war to come and go. I should find comfort in that, right? Those people survived it... Well, I don't. In fact, the past is what scares me. I've already seen what happens. Homeless Vets. Broken homes. Widows and their children alone. In the meantime people turning their heads to not be bothered by it all because it's too unpleasant to think about. And maybe, because we have come a long way, it will be different this time. Only time will tell. Still, I don't like that unknown. To think that in the future, when I say I'm the widow of a Marine who was wounded in Iraq then died, that person wouldn't care because it happened so long ago, hurts already. It's annoying that I even care. But... it feels good to know people care about you and your life. It cushions the blow a little, let's be honest. And reality is, one day people will care much less than they do now. It's part of life. I'm just not ready for that part. Not at all.

So, I'm not sure how to word how I feel right now other than very, very emotional. And honestly, maybe it's not just the end of the war, but a cluster of things put together that just seem to be happening at once.

In the end, I just miss him. Everything about him.

A lot.

The Holidays make me miss him even more. Yesterday, the morning after my Christmas party in which all my friends attended and we all had a blast, I woke up and bawled - sobbed - for at least an hour. I couldn't stop. I sat with my dog, the one Cleve gave me for our first Christmas as a married couple, and cried to her. I know she's just an animal, but I feel like she knows. She misses Cleve, too and she's there for me when I miss him so much I can hardly bare it. A dog. Ha.

I hope this wave of grief passes soon. It's beginning to exhaust me and I have a lot of things coming up. I need to be able to focus.

All I can say is thank god for my widows and all my friends. I couldn't do this without them. I've said it before and I'll say it again, they keep me sane. I'm convinced I will always have waives of sadness over the loss of my husband, but I'm also convinced that over time the way I deal with it will evolve and not leave me as cripple. Especially with the help of them.

As far as the war being over, I hope that people will always remember the sacrifices made by the service members and their families. I hope people remember that even though the troops are coming home from Iraq, there are still troops in Afghanistan and all over the world fighting, getting wounded, and dying. I hope that people remember that as these guys come home, the war will just be beginning for many families as PTSD and TBI start to show their ugly faces, as the ones who came back severely physically wounded relearn to use their bodies as they've been left, and their families stand by their side to take care of them. I hope people never forget that for every person who was buried, they left family members behind to mourn that loss for the rest of their lives, and even when they seem fine, their hearts will be broken until the day they die themselves. I truly hope that I am wrong and people do not forget.

Continue supporting the troops and their families.

Continue praying for them.

Winner of the Shabby Apple Dress

2011-12-15T08:30:00.000-06:00

Kandi!

Please send me an email with your size, full name, and address. I'll send that over to Shabby Apple and have it sent to you ASAP!

Congrats!

Pictures from the Wounded Warrior Carribean Cruise

2011-12-14T08:24:00.003-06:00

Four wheeling in Mahogany Bay

Taking in the view

Kelly. Adorable as always.

I'm hongry! If only I had a monkey...

Local food is the best. If you ever go to Mahogany bay with Carnival Cruises, go out of the tourist area and hang a right. You'll see a little yellow shack on the side of the road. They don't have a menu. Ask them what the best thing they have is and you'll get one of these guys (I forgot what they called it). So, so good.

Ziplining through the jungle in Belize

Spelunking in Belize.

More cave/zip lining awesomeness.

Local beer +carribean music+ awesome people = good time.

Coba Mayan Ruins, Mexico.

Valiantly making our way to the top!

Success!

The memorial service at the end of the trip for our boys. We love you guys. <3

Widow love.

The whole Wounded Warrior and Widow crew. <3

A Million Jagged Pieces

2011-12-12T19:18:00.001-06:00

I will never be able to explain the difference between a day I am able to breath and I feel as though I am moving on gracefully, and a day I am completely stricken with grief and can only be described as hot mess.

I can't explain why sometimes I am able to make good decisions for myself and those around me, and the next I make terrible ones that just aren't like me.

I can't tell you how many times I've put on a smile when I wanted to cry to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Because I know that if they knew how I really felt, they probably wouldn't want to be around me, and the truth is, I need them. So... I smile.

I'll never be able to put into words how I feel when I see a picture of him. Even if it's a picture I've seen a million times. It's like my heart, my stomach, my lungs, my liver, everything inside of me shatters into a million jagged pieces, exploding from the inside out. Surely at any moment I might fall over dead. But instead, like a ritual, I take a deep breath, hold back the tears, and find something, anything, to distract me.

My heart breaks over and over at random. One word. One moment. One face. A wheelchair. A cane. A certain pair of shoes. Someones laughter. It strikes hard. Each time hurting just as much as the last. Part of me wants so badly for it to stop and the other holds onto that heartbreak to feel close to him. Sometimes I'm scared that if that pain ever goes away, so will he. I still feel like he's here with me. I want him to stay.

So I'll hurt.

Most of the time I have no idea what the hell I'm doing in this life and as hard as I try, I disappoint myself often.

It's frustrating.

The most frustrating part is that after burying the person that meant more to me than anyone else in the world, I realized how insignificant most things are and how truly significant the important things are. I finally truly realized it. And yet, I still take it all for granted. The small things still bother me, and I forget to appreciate the big ones. I continue to make mistakes. I continue to be imperfect. What kind of person does that make me? How can I live with myself?

How?

Sometimes I feel like I've shut off feeling too deeply. I have a wall between me and the world that protects me. If it weren't there I might realize I just can't do this anymore. All of my flaws, all of my memories, will come rushing at me. I'm afraid I wouldn't survive. So I remain in denial. In denial about it all.

I've said it before, but denial is comfortable. Too comfortable.

Still, I wish I knew what it was that triggered my grieving. Hopefully one day I'll have more control over it. I hope that one day I'll have the sense to make only good decisions. I hope that one day I'll have the courage to burst into tears when my body tells me I need to, regardless of who is around me. I hope one day I'll be able to pick up a picture of my husband and not feel pain and sadness, but love and laughter. I hope one day I'll trust myself enough to take the wall down and just be - no more denial. Live without fear. Live without regret. Live without guilt.

I suppose for now, I'm just glad I have hope. When that is gone, we have nothing. And I really do have a lot of it, thankfully. Today is just another one of those days, but tomorrow is a new one. That is significant. So, I'll keep on trucking and trying and growing. The best I know how.

The world was brighter with your laughter.I miss you always. I love you.

The Cruise

2011-12-07T09:46:00.001-06:00

A quick update.

First of all, my internet is still down. I'm going to try to find another provider because I can't handle no internet. Everything I do (sadly) is online. I feel like I'm suffocating.

Second, I'm just going to summarize the trip and will update with more details later.

It was pretty amazing. It was also confusing and brought up a lot of emotions I had bottled up for a long time. It was a wounded warrior cruise. It was like Walter Reed on a boat. I dove in with ease and immediately felt a comfort I hadn't felt in so long. It's not easily explained, but it felt like home immediately to be around these people. Their stories, their prosthetics, their attitudes. How does one explain being surrounded by heroes? That being said, in the end, it left me feeling empty and confused. I was hit with bursts of sadness at random and on the way home I kind of wanted to ball up and hide in a ditch somewhere. I feel... misplaced.

What is wrong with me?

I've spent so much time trying to fit into what I always felt was "normal", then in the most "not-so-normal" situation felt more normal than I had in forever. I miss them. I miss Cleve. I miss Walter Reed. This was my life for so long and in an instant everything was snatched away from me. I've done my best to let it go. Let it be. But seeing it in front of me and not being able to have it back hit me kind of hard.

Backing up, the trip was amazing. Many, many adventures to speak of and tons of pictures to share. I don't mean to complain. There is nothing to complain about at all, actually. I'm just an emotional hot mess, as always. In the end, we had a blast and this will go down in history as yet another experience I'm beyond lucky to have been able to experience.

My Family for the $20k in Home Depot Home Improvements

2011-11-28T01:00:00.000-06:00

After much deliberation, and some really great entries, Ifinally came to a decision. And trust me, it wasn’t an easy task. If I could’vehad my way, I would’ve chosen everyone. I had some very deserving, amazingfamilies. Alas, that was not an option. So, before blabbering my reasoning, I’llget to it.

I chose….

Caleb, Brannan, and Laney Vines!

Ok, so here is why I chose this family. First of all, Calebis a wounded veteran who struggles with PTSD and TBI. Though that should bereason enough, that’s not why I chose them. The reason I chose them is becausethis family is not only struggling with the effects of war, but they are givingback to others who are struggling as well. A few years back Brannan and Calebstarted “FamilyofaVet.com”- a non –profit that supports military families whoare struggling with PTSD and TBI.

Cool, right?

On top of everything, and most importantly, they couldreally use these home improvements. There are numerous things in their homethat need to be fixed up to make it livable, and they deserve to have that. Theyreally do.

Now, this is where we all need your help. Tomorrow, November 29^th, The Home DepotFoundation will open up voting for the families on their Facebook page <---click there. It’s upto you and your votes to choose a family. So, look for the Vines family and choose them!!

I know there will be many whodeserve it and it will be hard, but definitely consider Caleb and his family.To meet them is to fall in love with them. You should just take my word onthat. They deserve this – I cannot stress that enough - if nothing else, forthe simple fact that the better their living situation, the more families theywill be able to help. So, you could say that by choosing them, you are choosingevery Military family they help.

Well, congratulations to the Vines family! This is a preset blog (I'm somewhere in the Caribbean right now) but I have an amazing helper who will be helping me get the word out. If you have any questions go to my blogs Facebook page and she can help you from there!

Thank you guys for the support! Ya'll rock!

Here is the link to Home Depot Foundations Facebook ONE more time:

Home Depot Foundation Facebook Page

American Widow Project T-Shirt Winner!

2011-11-26T09:34:00.001-06:00

Annnd the winner is…

Kanani!

Yay!

For everyone who didn’t win, don’t worry, I’m not pickingfavorites. It was a random drawing thing-a-mabob I found online here. I love you alljust the same.

Please send me an e-mail with your address (I swear I’m notgoing to stalk you) and your shirt size. As soon as I have that, I will orderthe shirt and have it sent straight to you.

So you know, I am going to be on a cruise with the lovelyKelly all week, so it will be a minute before you get the shirt, but I promiseI will get it to you!

As always, I love you guys. Maybe I’ll have to do a giveawaymore often that supports organizations I love. I shall consider it. J

I’ll be back next week!

Headstone Update - ish

2011-11-21T09:44:00.001-06:00

It feels weird having two "giveaways" in a row, so I feel like I need to talk about something pronto!

I shall update on the headstone.

I went into the VA to get it fixed and the lady just filled out another form (I think it was the same one as last time except this time she put Operation Iraqi Freedom) and faxed it. She told me I would hear from the VA about whether or not they could fix it for me. She didn't say much else. She didn't even seem apologetic that she had gotten it wrong the first time. I mean, really? I would have felt like such a jerk if I had done that to someone else. Some people kill me. Whatever.

More VA crappiness is that the original information including my SSC, driver's license, marriage certificate, and everything else I own that I sent in for school benefits got lost. They don't have any of it. So, I had to resend it. I have my fingers crossed that it will go through by the time school starts because I went up to the school and am really excited (again) to go. I'm not holding my breath over these things anymore,but it would be really nice.

Keeping my fingers crossed on both instead.

Dress Giveaway From ShabbyApple.com - Cuteness!

2011-11-21T06:00:00.000-06:00

Hey guys!

As I said on my Facebook page earlier this week, I have been given the opportunity to give you guys free stuff! And not just any free stuff, but a gorgeous dress. After asking your opinion on whether or not this is something you would want me to do (again, on my facebook), I had a unanimous yes!

I asked first because I don't want a bunch of stuff off subject over here and you guys thinking my blog is getting all messy. I just like to see smiles on your faces. (Or at least imagine them...)

The dress is called "Nothin' Like A Dame" and is from Shabby Apple, an adorable online boutique of women's dresses and accessories. They also have cute, retro bathing suits, gorgeous jewelry, and art!

Here is the gorgeousness up for grabs:

When I discovered this site, I giggled. I think the clothes are so pretty and fun, and as one of my friends said, "...makes me want to buy their clothes and go to Europe!". Well said, Jessica. Exxxxactly.

Ok, so the rules.

First of all, you must head over to Shabby Apple's Facebook page and "like" it. This is required by their site.

After that, you have to be following my blog in some way and leave a comment stating that you added Shabby Apple's Facebook. Let me know how awesome you're going to look in the dress and where you're going to wear it! Let's hear about the shoes, too! (Guys can apply for their wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers... or themselves, if that's what floats their boat.)

I will randomly pick someone in a week, two weeks if I feel it needs to be longer, and announce the winner. Once announced I will need the winner to e-mail me within 72 hours to claim the prize. At that time I will get all of your information and give it to Shabby Apple to have the dress sent to you!

Good luck to everyone!

1000 Followers Giveaway! - American Widow Project T-Shirt

2011-11-17T08:00:00.000-06:00

Hello my loves! I have - somehow - reached 1000 followers and because you guys have been such an amazing bunch and have supported me through hell and back, I owe you.

That being said, I've decided to do a little giveaway! The prize will be this American Widow Project T-Shirt:

American Widow Project "Hero" tee

I chose this to kill two birds with one stone. The winner gets an awesome t-shirt and a chance to rep some amazing widows, and I get to support my favorite Non Profit. Perfect!

Who wouldn't want to rep us widows anyway? Look at these adorable faces...

This is how it's gonna work!

Obviously you have to be a follower - sorry non followers.

Leave a comment and you will be in the running!

One entry per person.

You have a week from the day this posts to submit an entry, at that time I will choose a winner.

Once I've chosen you, you will need to shoot me an e-mail (It's on the side of my blog) within 72 hours to claim your prize.I will get your address and shirt size and have it sent straight from the store to you!

Once you get your shirt, you must prance around and proudly tell people what it stands for.

Those who do not win should consider buying one anyway here: Hero, just to show your support, and because the shirt is pretty cool looking.

Also, Taryn Davis, founder of American Widow Project and fellow widow (26 just like me), has been chosen as one of CNN's top ten heroes for 2011 out of everyone in the entire world...I mean, WHOA!

She needs our help to win. When she does she will get $250,000 to go toward the American Widow Project and help even more widows in the future! If you get a minute be sure to go here: CNN Heroes, and vote for Taryn ten times a day per email/Facebook. If you are feeling lazy, scroll up and look at those beautiful faces again... ;).

Last, but not least, if you have been following for a while, a great way to "follow" these days is through my new-ish Facebook page. It took me a while, but I finally hopped on board. Come on over! I love being able to actually interact with everyone.

As always - Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ok guys! Good luck and check back in a week!

My Husband's Prosthetic Leg- What do I do with it?

2011-11-16T07:59:00.001-06:00

The other night Nick and I went to Melissa and Robin's house to hang out. Melissa had spent the day cleaning out her closets, which is something that really needed to be done so she was pretty proud of them. She wanted to show them off to me.

Yeah, we're girls.

As she's telling me about how clean they are I remember that the poor girl has been keeping Cleve's prosthetic for me. The one he was wearing when he passed. It even has his shoe still on it. I didn't want to get rid of it, but I'm always moving and honestly wasn't ready to look at it so she agreed to keep it. Well, I decided it was time. I told her I would go ahead and grab it before I left.

Poor Nick.

As soon as I got to her apartment she showed me her closets and I grabbed Cleve's leg to put next to my purse so that I wouldn't forgot it. I warned Nick first and asked him to please, though I know it's totally odd, try to understand how odd of a position this leg has put me in.

What do you do with an amputees leg after they pass away?

I had it propped up against the couch and I swear the leg was bigger than anyone in the room. I'm so comfortable with it that, more than anything, I like having it around, but I could tell Nick was a little uncomfortable. And who wouldn't be? If I could properly explain the comfort I get from it, I would, but I'm not sure I can other than it's not normal, obviously. It's probably because it was part of Cleve. Obviously normal people aren't going to want to have a real leg around, but because he's an amputee, his leg had an entity of it's own. I use to carry that thing around on days Cleve would need two different legs. I walked down NYC streets with that thing thrown up on my arm while following behind him. I remember the day Cleve got it. It was his first real prosthetic.

Me and the leg - we're cool.

I will say that looking at it propped up next to me reminded me so much of Cleve that I kind of felt like I was going to choke at times. That is how I came to know my husband so, yes, it's like part of him is sitting next to me.

This is such a weird issue to have. It's almost embarrassing. Even talking about this is taking a lot of faith in you readers to not judge me.

At one point that night, Nick walked up to it, picked it up and said, "Wow, it's a lot heavier than I thought it would be...", then walked out to have a cigarette.

He was doing his best to be so cool with it. I'm proud of him, yet again. I could tell it made him feel awkward, but he did his best to play it off. Oh, the things I put him through.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the prosthetic. I really don't. I can't get rid of it but where does it go? I'm obviously not going to have it on display (I'm not that weird), but I don't want it piled on top of a bunch of junk somewhere. Though, Robin said he'd turn it into a lamp (Ha!). It could always be used as a door stop or a leg to a coffee table???

Ok, I'm joking.

I'm thinking about getting a chest and putting that in with the rest of his things I can't part with. I can forever be the lady with the leg.

....that is so depressing. Ha!

Hopefully I will figure this out before Nick breaks up with me (He wouldn't really). I don't think I can handle explaining that one.

"What happened to Nick, Karie?"

"Cleve's leg scared him off...."

Yeah, no.

$20,000 in Home Improvements to a Military Family!

2011-11-13T14:53:00.001-06:00

I want to start off with a big surprise, because I'm super excited about it and want to make sure no one misses out on helping me help someone else!

I have been given the opportunity to choose a family in need in my community to win $20,000 in home improvements from Home Depot.... seriously.

Isn't that AWESOME?! I'm letting you know this now because I will need your help to vote for my family and help them win! I'll let you guys know as soon as the families are chosen.

Now I must tell you how I'm so lucky to be able to do this.

I was invited, along with nine other bloggers, to join The Home Depot Foundation in Atlanta to participate in a Team Depot project in celebration of Veterans Day on Nov. 11, 2011. The night before the project, us bloggers were surprised with this awesome opportunity to Give the Gift of Good in our own communities by each getting a $500 Home Depot gift card to purchase holiday decorations for a local military family in need. The families we choose will also be entered into a contest to have Home Depot fulfill their “Wish List” of home improvements up to a retail value of $20,000. Items on the “wish list” are things that will make a real difference in the long term efficiency and comfort of the family’s home, including things like a new HVAC system, new carpet, a new roof and new windows. The winning family will be determined by votes on a Facebook application on The Home Depot page Nov. 29-Dec. 9 and announced on Dec. 14.

I'm. So. Excited. To find my family! I'm already working on ways to get the word out so I can find the perfect one. Wish me luck!!

So, this is what we did in Atlanta. All the bloggers, both milbloggers and DIY bloggers, worked with Quest 35, a homeless shelter who has been working on a facility strictly for vets, by doing things such as landscaping and building benches. I got to do a little of both.

The new facility for veterans

I BUILT A BENCH!

Before

During

And done!!

I thought it was pretty cool. I've never actually built... anything before. It was awesome to work side by side with these amazing people to help rebuild some lives. It was the best way I could've spent Veterans Day, hands down.

Never heard of Home Depot Foundation? Well, that's ok, because I'll be honest, I hadn't either until this trip. Here is a little information, from their mouths, about who they are and what they've been up to this year:

About: Celebration of Service

“Celebration of Service” is a major campaign by The Home Depot and The Home Depot Foundation to enhance the lives of U.S. military veterans and to highlight the needs and opportunities they face. The campaign includes:

· 200 service projects: In partnership with The Mission Continues, The Home Depot associate-volunteers will be completing 200 service projects directly aimed at improving homes, facilities and community centers where veterans and their families live and receive services.

· $9 million in grants: From September 11 through November 11, The Home Depot Foundation will announce grants of up to $1 million to nonprofits dedicated to veterans’ housing issues

· A gift card that gives back: When customers purchase this specially-themed Home Depot gift card during Celebration of Service, five percent of the value placed on the card will go to The Home Depot Foundation to support nonprofits dedicated to veterans’ housing needs. Gift cards may be purchased in our stores or online at www.homedepot.com.

LINK: http://www.homedepotfoundation.org/how-we-help/team-depot/celebrationofservice.html

About: The Home Depot Foundation

The Home Depot Foundation is a 501(c)(3) organization that was established in 2002 to further the community building goals of The Home Depot by providing additional resources to assist nonprofit organizations. The mission of The Home Depot Foundation is simple...to improve homes and improve lives. Through partnership with local nonprofits and the volunteer efforts of Team Depot, we focus on repairing and refurbishing homes and facilities that serve disadvantaged families and individuals.

For the next three years, we are placing special emphasis on serving U.S. military veterans who are facing growing financial and physical hardships at home as they return to civilian life. Over the next three years, we will invest over $30 million to help ease the burdens of this deserving group by repairing and renovating homes for military veterans.

Since its formation in 2002, The Home Depot Foundation has granted more than $270 million to nonprofit organizations improving homes and lives in local communities.

LINK: http://www.homedepotfoundation.org/

Twitter: @homedepotfdn

Facebook: www.facebook.com/homedepotfoundation

And here's a little about Quest 35, the shelter we helped out at on Veteran's Day:

About: Quest 35

The mission of Quest 35 Housing Inc. is to develop and implement affordable-supportive housing programs that service the special need homeless and/or low income populations. Our core supportive services are case management, educational training, vocational training, community resources linkage (SA/MH services) and financial management payee services.

Quest 35 Housing Programs are in its 10th year of service and currently own and operates 57 supportive units providing over 140 beds to the City of Atlanta, Fulton County, United Way and the State of GA.

LINK: http://www.quest35housing.org/

I'm extremely thankful to have been given such an amazing opportunity and can't wait to get to work finding my family! I hope everyone else had a great Veteran's day. As always, thank you to all our men and women who have served and continue to serve.

To Enter:

You must have proof of serving in the military.

You must prove that you are in need of this service. I will determine this on a case by case basis.

You must live in the Pensacola/Mobile area.

You must own your home.

E-mail me at wifeofawoundedmarine@hotmail.com with your story. Please include:

Name

Contact Information

City

Branch of Service

Your story/need

The family I choose will be announced right here on November 28th, so don't forget to check back! At that time I will give details on how to vote.

Please pass this on as there could be someone on your twitter, facebook, or following your blog that could benefit from this. Help me get this out to as many people as possible!

Thank you so much for your help!!

Going to Atlanta and Other Things

2011-11-10T08:34:00.001-06:00

A couple of things.

One, I'm having New York withdrawals. They are worse than ever and I'm not sure what to do about it. Currently I'm trying to find excuses to go back.

Two, I just want to point out how hard it is to blog when you are trying to write a book. That writing has been sucking my soul. I finished the part about the funeral and it sucked. I'll be taking a couple days off now.

I'm sick of listing numbers.

I'm still working on my Real Estate stuff. It's taking longer than I thought and it's more boring than I thought it would be. I'll be happy when I can just go sell houses.

I also haven't taken care of the headstone thing yet. I will, but I need a minute. I feel like a bad wife. However, I feel like I'm chasing my tail. Started having panic attacks, small ones, for the first time in forever. I'm not down with panic attacks. So freaking sick of dealing with the VA. I'll get it done. Just need a minute.

Last, but not least, I'm headed to Atlanta today, thanks to Home Depot, for Veteran's Day. We're going to be cheering up some homeless heroes. I can't wait. I shall report back on this.

The War At Home: Battling PTSD - Interview with Fox 10

2011-11-03T10:08:00.000-05:00

A news article with Cleve and I. They literally found footage of Cleve from 2006 and added it. I didn't know they were going to do that so I was a little shocked. I watched it multiple times crying. Very confusing feeling. I loved hearing his voice, but it killed me at the same time. He was still optimistic then. I missed that part of him long before he was gone. I miss him so much. I love you.

Special Report: The War at Home: fox10tv.com

Mistake on Military headstone...I think?

2011-10-31T16:09:00.001-05:00

After Cleve died, because he was not active duty anymore, I did not get a special person assigned to me to help me with paperwork and whatever else I needed, which is typically standard for active duty families. Well, I take that back. I had a volunteer come out to help me in the beginning out of the kindness of his heart, which was helpful for some things. He filled out the initial paperwork, then went back to Montgomery where he lived, and all should have been lovely from there.

Of course that wasn't how it went all.

None of the things that were originally filled out worked. Everything had to be refiled for one reason or another. I was left to do all of it, which is fine, except filling out your dead husbands name, social security number, etc ten thousand times is brutal. I promise you, it's not something you want to do ever, let alone over and over and over.

The headstone took until this week to finally be placed.

Awesome.

They don't call you, so I found out by someone who had gone by and seen it. I quickly threw my clothes on and bolted out the door to go check it out myself. This is something that had been bothering me like crazy, obviously, so I was pretty excited for it to be done with. Well, I get there and the first thing that stands out to me are the words "Persian Gulf".

Is that right???

To me, when I see "Persian Gulf", I assume that person was in the Gulf War, right?? Still, I realize all of those places are in that area so, though it bothered me, I figured PERHAPS they use the same name for all wars over there, though that seems extremely hosed. I asked some of my widows what their husband's graves said, all but one said "Operation Iraqi Freedom". One girl said hers said "Persian Gulf", too. I immediately get pissed. NOBODY asked me what I wanted on the grave and why in the hell would they think I would want "Persian Gulf" on my husband's grave when he fought in the Iraq War?

Seriously?

So I checked the paperwork. A few months back I had to go to the VA to redo all of this paperwork because, apparently, the guy who originally did it had bad handwriting which is why I never recieved the headstone in the first place. Well, this lady decides to type it up for me to avoid that problem. At no point did anyone ask me what I wanted on the grave. Because I have never buried a husband before, I figured because it's a military headstone, they should all be pretty standard - If you were in the Iraq war, it says you were in the Iraq war, right? Well, she freaking checked "Persian Gulf". I didn't even NOTICE. I will take responsibility for the fact that I didn't check it thoroughly enough. Still, why did she not ask me? Who in their right mind would choose that over the actual war they were in?

They also left out the fact that he has a purple heart which definitely was checked on the paperwork.

I'm so freaking frustrated with all of this. I don't want to deal with anything headstone related anymore. Just so over it.

Alas, I will be at the freaking VA first thing tomorrow morning to try and get this all straightened out.

Joy.

Support Group For Widow Boyfriends

2011-10-29T10:43:00.000-05:00

There needs to be one. Desperately.

I always say this jokingly because the thought of a bunch of dudes that date crazy, yet super hot and awesome (obviously), widows sitting around bitching about their point of view of their girlfriends chaotic lives, makes me laugh. Why it makes me laugh, I'm not sure. Obviously I'm slightly cynical. I just always wonder what Nick thinks of it all. All the traveling. Me talking about my husband. My random fits of sadness. My issues with my past inlaws. I truly wonder why he sticks around sometimes.

Still, on a serious note, they really could use a support group. I've raved about the American Widow Project in the past because it has been a tool for widows to meet other widows and be supports to one another that are irreplacable. We all have different stories, but we've all felt intense loss. Having that connection with someone is sometimes all you need to feel normal in a situation where normality seems to be an impossible task. AWP brought me my own little version of normality. I feel like our current boyfriends could really benefit from the same. They could all go to a bar, throw a few cold beers back, and talk about how crazy we are and how each of them deals with it. I mean, it must be weird. Especially for guys our age to be dating.....a widow.

I feel bad for the man sometimes. When he met me he met a hot mess. He's a strong man to stand by me through all of this. These guys deserve a medal. Essentially they have pulled us out of the gutter, brushed us off, and helped us to move on. Heroes, right? I think so.

Though the idea of a widow boyfriend support group sounds awesome, I have a suspicion that because they are strong men, they wouldn't mess with it anyway. Guys don't work that way. That being said, I hope one day some of my widda ladies and I and our new boys can all get together. The dynamic would be very interesting.

List Of Free Stuff For Veterans On Veterans Day 2011! Check it out!

2011-10-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

Free Meals

Applebee's - free meal, Friday, Nov. 11: Last year, Applebee's served 1,024,000 million free meals to military veterans and active service members. Applebee's is again offering a free meal to military veterans and active-duty service members on Veteran's Day, Friday, Nov. 11, 2011. There will be 7 entrées to choose from. Military ID or proof of service required.

Chili's - free meal, Friday, Nov. 11. Chili's is offering all military veterans past and present their choice of one of 6 meals. This offer is available during business hours on November 11, 2011 at participating Chili's in the U.S. only. Dine-in from limited menu only; beverages and gratuity not included. Veterans and active duty military simply show proof of military service. Visit their website to find locations.

Golden Corral - Free meal, Monday Nov. 14: The 10th annual Golden Corral Military Appreciation dinner will be held on Monday, November 14, 2011 from 5 pm to 9 pm in all Golden Corral Restaurants nationwide. The free "thank you" dinner is available to any person who has ever served in the United States Military. If you are a veteran, retired, currently serving, in the National Guard or Reserves, you are invited to participate in Golden Corral's Military Appreciation Monday dinner. Special thanks to Golden Corral: To date, Golden Corral restaurants have provided over 2.5 million free meals and contributed over $4.3 million to the Disabled American Veterans organization.

Hooters - Free Meal, Friday, Nov. 11. Hooter's is serving up a free meal to military veterans all day on Veterans Day. Offer good for all veterans and active duty military personnel. Choose one of the new specialty items on the Hooter's menu. Offer valid at participating Hooters only; open to all active duty and military veterans with valid military ID or proof of military service. Drink purchase required.

Krispy Kreme - Free doughnut. Available only at participating Krispy Kreme stores. Offer available to all active-duty, retirees & veterans on Friday November 11th. Be sure to call ahead to verify your local Krispy Kreme is participating.

McCormick & Schmick's Seafood Restaurants - free lunch or dinner, Sunday Nov 13, 2011: McCormick & Schmick's is celebrating their 13th annual Veteran's Appreciation Event on Sunday, November 13th. Veterans will be able to choose a complimentary lunch or dinner entrée. Veterans must provide proof of military service. Be sure to contact your local McCormick & Schmick's as this is valid at participating restaurants only. Also, Space is limited and reservations are highly recommended.

Outback Steakhouse - A week of Free Bloomin' Onions and Cokes Monday Nov. 7 - Friday Nov. 11. Outback Steakhouse is honoring America's military veterans by offering active duty military and veterans a free Bloomin' Onion and a Coca-Cola product during the week leading up to Veteran's Day. This offer is available to Military Personnel who have one of the following forms of identifications: U.S Uniform Services Identification Card, U.S Uniform Services Retired Identification Card, Current Leave and Earnings Statement (LES), DD form 214 Veterans Organization Card (i.e., American Legion and VFW), Photograph in Uniform, Wearing Uniform. For two years, The Outback, with the help of their patrons, has donated $2 Million to Operation Homefront, a non-profit organization providing everyday and emergency support for active troops, wounded warriors and their families.

Subway - Free Six Inch Sub. Select Subway locations offer a FREE six inch sub to military veterans on Veteran's Day. However, Subway restaurants are franchises, so this offer may not be available everywhere. Please call ahead.

Texas Roadhouse - free meal, Friday, Nov. 11. Offer varies by location; our local Texas Roadhouse is offering a free meal from opening until 4pm. Other locations may vary in offer, hours, or availability. Call ahead to your local restaurant for more information.

T.G.I. Friday's - Buy one get one free Nov 11-14. At participating locations for anyone with an old or current military ID. November 11-14.

Uno Chicago Grill - Friday, Nov. 11. Uno's is offering a free entree or individual pizza with a purchase of an entree or pizza of equal or greater value. Offer good for all military for veterans and active duty military. ID or proof of service required: Show up in uniform (if your service permits), provide military ID, show a picture of yourself in uniform, or have other ID showing proof of service. More info here.

Home Depot and Lowes Coupons

Home Depot: The Home Depot(R) is offering all active duty personnel, reservists, retired military, veterans and their families a 10 percent discount off their purchases in honor of Veteran's Day. The offer is valid on purchases of up to $2,000 for a maximum of $200 and is available at The Home Depot stores, The Home Depot Design Center locations, Yardbirds and EXPO Design Center(R) locations. The 10% discount is available everyday for active duty and retirees, but not all veterans. Home Depot makes this offer available to all veterans on most military holidays. You can also find Home Depot discounts online.

Lowes: Lowe's Companies, Inc. will offer all active, reserve, honorably discharged, retired military personnel and their immediate family members a 10 percent discount on in-store U.S. purchases made during the Veterans Day holiday. The discount is available Nov. 7 - Nov. 11. The discount is available on in-stock and special order purchases up to $5,000. To qualify, individuals must present a valid military ID or other proof of service. Excluded from the discount are sales via Lowes.com, previous sales, and purchases of services or gift cards. Like Home Depot, Lowes offers this discount daily to active duty military members, but not to veterans. However, they extend the offer to military veterans on military holidays. You can also find exclusive discounts at Lowe's.com.
Free Park Admissions for Veterans Day

Free Admission

Anheuser-Busch Parks - Anheuser-Busch Parks offers Active Duty Service Members free admission for them and up to 3 dependents to any of their parks once a year. Throughout 2011, members of the military and as many as three direct dependents may enter SeaWorld, Busch Gardens or Sesame Place parks with a single-day complimentary admission. The Here's to the Heroes program is only available to Any active duty, activated or drilling reservist, or National Guardsman. Eligible parks include: Adventure Island, Busch Gardens (Tampa Bay or Williamsburg), SeaWorld (Orlando, San Diego, or San Antonio), Sesame Place, and Water Country USA. Not valid at Discovery Cove and Aquatica. Christmas Town at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Va. is not included as part of this program. For more information and to register, visit the link.

Colonial Williamsburg Free Admission - Colonial Williamsburg offers free weekend-long admission tickets to active-duty military, reservists, retirees, veterans, and their immediate dependents from Friday, Nov. 11 through Sunday, Nov. 13th. The complimentary ticket includes admission to Colonial Williamsburg exhibition sites, art museums, and most daytime programs, as well as free parking and use of the shuttle bus system. Tickets are only available at on-site ticket sales locations. Tickets are also available to families of deployed service members. Tickets available on the following dates: Nov. 11-13.

Historic Jamestowne - Free Admission. The National Park Service commemorates Veterans Day with Fee Free days at Historic Jamestowne November 11-13. Free admission for everyone. See events calendar.

Knotts Berry Farm Military Tribute Days - Free Admission. Knott's Berry Farm has an annual Military Tribute event in which they offer military members past and present by offering free park admission. This year the Military Tribute Days run from November 1 - 24 November (Thanksgiving Day). Veterans or current serving military personnel plus one guest get in FREE with proper ID presented at Knott's turnstile (DD214, Veterans Administration Hospital ID or Active Military Service ID). Purchase up to six additional tickets for just $17 each. More info.

Fee Free Day at National Parks - To honor America's service men and women, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar announced that areas managed by the National Park Service would not charge entrance fees for Veteran's Day weekend - November 11-13, 2011. Over 100 national Parks will be participating in this event.
San Jacinto Monument and Museum (La Porte, TX). November 7-13: Free admission to the theatre, Observation Floor, and (on November 12-13) the special exhibit to all veterans and their families.

Bed and Breakfast for Vets - In the third year of the program, B&Bs for Vets has organized over 485 (and counting) participating Bed and Breakfasts and Inns across the US and Canada which will be offering veterans a free night's stay on November 10th, the night before Veterans Day. This offer is available to both active duty military members and veterans with ID, but space is limited. Each Inn and B&B has at least one room available for this promotion and reservations must be made directly through the participating Inns and B&Bs. For more information visit B&Bs for Vets.

Free Canes

Free Hugo® Canes for Veterans -
Sam's Club® locations nationwide will distribute 36,000 Hugo® canes free of charge on November 9th, 10th, 11th, 2011 to U.S. military veterans in need of mobility assistance. Limited quantities available, while supplies last. Sam's Club® Membership is not required, but proof of military service may be required.

Other Veteran's Day Discounts

Here are some additional Veteran's Day Discounts. In all cases, be sure to provide proper ID or proof of service. In addition, some of these stores are franchises, so verify participation before assuming the discount is in place.

*    Free Car wash - Thousands of car washes around the country are offering vets a free car wash on Veterans Day. Find a list at Grace for Veterans, which helped veterans receive 101,537 FREE Washes on Veterans Day in 2010.

*    Amazon.com - Discount "Veterans Day Honor" MP3 album download. This downloadable album includes 12 songs as performed by the military bands and ensembles of the U.S.
Armed Forces. Visit Amazon on Veteran's Day to download the album.

*    Netflix - One Month Free Trial.

*    Sport Clips - FREE haircut to active-duty military & veterans. Offer only available at select locations. Please call to verify local participation.

*    Tim Hortons - all US locations are offering a free donut to all veterans (check out the Star Spangled donut!).

*    San Jacinto Monument and Museum - (La Porte, TX). November 7-13: Free admission to the theatre, Observation Floor, and (on November 12-13) the special exhibit to all veterans and their families.

Writing Playlist

2011-10-26T11:35:00.002-05:00

I've been writing a lot the past few days. Really, that's all I've been doing. It's very time consuming, but it's also addictive. Let me tell you, if this ever gets published, people are going to know WAY too much about me. The more I write, the more I'm remembering about the past. It's crazy. Right now I'm writing about my childhood, when Cleve and I first met, up until were were married I found out he was injured. I thought I had forgotten these memories. It's like my computer is sucking the memories out of my brain and putting them into word for me. Tis amazing.

I have a writing playlist. Certain songs help me write better. Typically songs that remind me of Cleve. It sounds terrible but if I find a song that reminds me of him, I can just put it on repeat and the words start flowing. I love listening to a song that helps me remember him more vividly. His facebook is littered with them now. Every time I find one I share it with him on there hoping maybe he'll hear it, too. That maybe it'll remind him of how much I love him.

Yesterday this is what was on repeat:

And today, thanks to Shannon, I will have this on repeat. This song in particular needs to be our theme song, if you ask me all the way down to the parents. I don't know if this song makes me happy or sad right now:

I'm listening to that one right now. I didn't even know I liked Bruno Mars. Well, I do now.

A Year and a Half

2011-10-24T08:12:00.000-05:00

It's been over a year and a half now. It was a year and a half to the day on the twentieth. I was flying to New York. I'm glad I was. Though it was strong on my mind, I had other things on my mind as well which always makes these days easier. Still, it's hard to think about. A year and a half is a long time. I still wonder sometimes how the Earth can turn without him. Then I remember, we all die. And the Earth continues spinning. That's life.

This last couple of weeks have been a handful. Ups and downs, new and old friends, making new memories and still remembering the old with Cleve. I can't lie and say that I'm not exhausted, because I am. I'm glad I got to sit in my bed for a couple of days and just chill. I literally did nothing and it was awesome.

I just keep getting blown away at the thought of everything that has happened since he left. So much has changed. Lord knows I have. My entire life has.

It still blows me away at how much I miss him. People always ask if it's really hard to date someone and still miss your husband. Then other people seem to think that because I'm dating, I don't miss him anymore.

No.

I will always miss him, and yes, it is sometimes hard to date someone when you miss someone else so much.

Thing is, they are two different people. I can't even compare the two and in my mind they are just two completely separate things in my life. It's hard to explain, but if you take all the jealousy and rules out, it's just simply love. I love two people. I believe most people have the capacity to do that, they just don't because it's emotionally draining and against the rules.

I've been having more and more dreams with Cleve in them. I've also been waking up a lot more in the night to see if he is in the room. This whole cycle is insane. Very up and down. I never know how my brain is going to process things.

Anywho.

I love you always. The world is not a better place without you. I'm doing everything I can to live the life I'm so lucky to have. I'm doing my best to use what happened to you to help others. I'm doing my best. I hope it's enough.

My Exprience at Blogher Writers Conference 2011

2011-10-22T17:56:00.001-05:00

How to describe the last two days.

Well, for starters, it was short and fast. Which kinda sucked.

It was also SO worth the short trip. I took a lot away from it.

First of all, I've been attempting to put together a proposal for a book, blindly. I knew it was a hot mess when I brought it, but couldn't put my finger on why it was a hot mess. Well, I know now. I also found out that my idea for the book is a good one, I just need to structure it correctly. I really need to get over the big, skanky wall that seems to pop up every time I try to sit down and write. My life sucked at times, and it makes it really difficult to write about. I need to get over it.

I feel I have the tools and connections to do so now. For that, I'm forever grateful.

Not only did I learn a lot, but I met many inpsiring, amazing women. I'm still a little in shock by all of the stories. I've been to military related "events" and have met military wives, caregivers, and widows after only meeting them on the internet, but never normal people - whatever that means. I have to say, it was kind of intimidating at first. I went into this thing sort of blindly.

For example, they told us to bring business cards, right? Well, I decided I didn't need a business card for my blog. I just felt like it was odd. I felt like I would look like a douche like, "Heeey, I'm Karie and I have this blog. Here's my card. Check it out." *wink wink*

I'm an idiot.

I learned that, when networking, always have cards. Even if it just has your name, your face, and your email. It's the easiest way for people to get your information, plain and simple.

I will never make this mistake again.

Luckily, I was able to have some, I felt, really great conversations with some of the ladies. I am confident we will be able to keep in touch regardless of my lack-o-card, which makes me happy. THANK YOU TWITTER! (I think this is the first trip that I've found the real significance of Twitter, too. Finally.)

I must say, of all the events I've been to, my favorite thing about them all are the friendships I walk away with. This is why I step out of my comfort zone time and time again. Is flying into NYC from Alabama all alone completely terrifying? Pretty much. But it's sooo worth it!

And yes, there is more. Not only did I learn how to improve my own project and make new friends, but I got to actually see and meet real authors, agents, and publishers.

Here's the thing. Beyond the fact that it's just flat out intimidating, it's also so amazing to see these people in "real life". I think sometimes I forget that behind the book and behind the computer screen, there are real, live people just like you and me! That not clicking in my little brain was sort of a block for me, I think. They had a session where they had three authors - Jean Kwok, Ann Napolitano, and Kathy Cano-Murillo. I loved this part! The reason being, I realized they aren't some literary freaks of nature that have magical powers to put together massive and amazing novels over night without having to change a single word. Not at all, in fact. In the first draft of Jean's book, Girl In Translation, she had to scrap 350 pages and completely rewrite them. I mean... whoa. I wanted to stand up and start rooting. Seriously, a weight lifted. I mean, I'm sure that was terrible for her, but it makes her human. Thank god. It's OK to have to rewrite. Then Kathy started as a craft blogger, turned craft book author, turned fiction novelist! She just decided one day she wanted to write a novel after a couple of craft books and she just - did it. The first draft, in her words (which I obviously love) were a hot mess. Yet, they took the hot mess, they revised it, they revised it again, and now it's published. Her second novel is now in the works. Ann - Ann wrote two novels when she was younger, the second of which was published but still failed. After spending seven years writing her last novel, A Good Hard Look, she finally found success! Though, writing any novel, published or not, seems like a success to me. Still, all three of these Authors stories show that it's not just waking up one morning with a spectacular idea, putting it on paper, and a week later having a beautiful, published book in your hand with your name on it. It takes years, and it takes work, and it takes patience, and it may take rewriting a gagillion times before you finally get it right - and that's ok.

Just write.

And that reminds me of another thing I learned thanks to the amazing Dominique Browning. I learned that, just because I didn't go to school to learn to write, I do write. Because I write, I'm a writer. Though I can't help but compare myself to the successes that I met yesterday and feel slightly embarrassed to put the same label on myself. Yet, it gives me confidence. In the end, It's ok if I'm not the best writer - I'm still a writer, and I want to write a book. So I'm going to, in her words, "just write"- at my own pace and in my own way and hopefully with a little help along the way if I keep finding really nice people willing to.

Needless to say, I'm stoked. I feel I am sane because of three things - My friends, my family, and my writing. If I didn't have one of those things, I'd probably be a blob on the ground. Because they saved me, I am passionate about all three of them. It's very nice to have been able to explore the one passion I have that I really hadn't been able to yet. I plan to make writing a part of my future in one way or another, wether through journalism, through books, or just through blogs.

On that note, thank you so much to everyone, and I mean everyone, at Blogher.com for putting this together. You guys are so freakin' awesome! Thank you so, so much to Penguin Publishing for totally hooking us up with some killer information, particularly Rebecca Hunt for being my groups "mentor". Though you originally pretty much intimidated the crap out of me, your honesty was much appreciated and so freaking helpful. Like... I want to kiss you a little. Thank you to all the ladies that were in my mentoring group. All of your stories were so inspiring. Thank you to my awesome roommate, Shannon. I'm so glad you aren't a rapist. Thank you to all the ladies I had dinner with. I'm so glad I got to meet you guys and hear your stories even though it was so brief. Thank you my new friend and adorable Southern Bell, Kara. I hope we get to meet up sometime soon! You're too close not to! Last but not least, thanks Mrs. P for being my widda back up. It's hard being the only widow in a room full of women, and that wasn't the case thanks to you!

Big Apple Bound

2011-10-19T13:17:00.003-05:00

Headed to Nyc -eeeee.

I'm excited to have a couple of days AWAY. I won't have to think of all the insanity here. There will even be another military widow going which makes the trip even sweeter!

I shall give details when I return.

Peace and Love!

My Present And Past Have Collided

2011-10-17T10:50:00.002-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been sort of a whirlwind. As I sit here and write, I am sad for no real reason. I feel like life has hit me in the face like a Mack truck. Thing is, I just had two weekends where friends of my past, my past with Cleve, have been in town to be introduced to my present - Nick. I've always said that I do my best to protect him from the graphic details of my past, but these last few weeks have proven to make that difficult.

My present life and my past life collided.

Not only this, but with the new articles coming out by the Huff Post, a lot of pain has come up with them. They are really difficult to read for me. Reading ours was...

...I really have no words.

Seeing all the things you went through crammed into three pages is really hard to swallow. I've also never shared details like that before. Hell, some of the details about how he died, I wasn't even aware of. It was just hard.

Then the local news. I really dislike local news, because they are so mediocre that it's sick, but I'm willing to talk to them under certain circumstances if it means getting even the tiniest bit of awareness out. Still, the outcome can be embarrassing. Very short. Often missing the point. That is basically what happened, though I was told by most that the point came across fine. Still, I was attacked by people who think they know our story. People who have been told lies about our life by his family. These people live in my town. I have to see them in stores. The scary part is that they know who I am, but I don't know who they are. I get scared sometimes. These people hate me and they aren't even sure why. This weekend, as I was out with Cheryl, I couldn't help but look around and wonder if one of those people were there, watching me. It's hard. I've tried to defend myself, but it's like a vicious cycle. The more I defend myself, the more they lash out. I don't get it. Why don't people understand? Why don't they get it? I'm trying to let what they say go. I went a day very discouraged about trying "help" by sharing our story because of what these people were saying. However, I've decided to just keep going with it. If I can save one person's life or prevent one family from falling apart, it will be worth it.

At the moment I will say that I need a minute to breath. I feel a little beaten. Very tired. I miss Cleve more than ever and really just need time to regroup. I have a lot going for me these days. I need to find a balance - A way I can help, but also maintain my happiness.

By the way, Nick has been amazing. I don't give him enough credit sometimes.

Time For A Happy Post!

2011-10-16T09:38:00.002-05:00

I am so sorry for the drama! I get carried away sometimes. All this "hot mess" just makes me hurt and dang it, I don't know what to do with the pain sometimes.

Grr.

ANYWAY, beside all of that, I have been a lucky girl because my friend Cheryl (Wife of a Wounded Soldier is her blog) has been staying with me for the weekend and it's been UH-mazing. The month has been a little tough, but I've been so blessed with love and awesomeness that it's ok! I'll write more on our weekend and such when I've woken up a little more, but I just had to write that life doesn't "suck", it's just the one area that sucks.

So. Life is good and sunny.

I'm about to go eat at one of my favorite restaurants ever with Cheryl before dropping her off at the airport. I shall miss her.

2011-10-16T02:57:00.000-05:00

I did not birth him. I did not raise him. However, I chose to be with him.

Through everything, I was there. Wounds. Surgeries. Love. Hate. Laughter. Me. Him. Us. There. Together.

Why is it so hard to see? What we had. Why we had it.

How is it that someone can see hate easier than they can see love?

Oh, the love. It was toxic. So toxic, but it was strong. Nothing will ever compare to that love. Nothing.

I will never forget his face as he said I love you. That is what helps me to live. His love.

I have days that I wonder if the threats are real. Maybe they will take the chance to "kill me".

I may not know how to defend myself, but in the end, if you kill me, you are giving me the chance to be with him sooner.

Ha.

I'm Doing The Best I Can

2011-10-14T11:23:00.001-05:00

I am sick to my stomach. As I do the best I can to spread awareness and share our story, I am immediately attacked by his family and their friends.

What. Did I do. To deserve this?

I contacted his mother to once again attempt to end this feud. It was probably a bad idea. She has never responded kindly to my attempts in the past.

God Cleve, I wish you were here. I wish you were here to tell them what happened. I wish you were here to protect me from them like you did. I'm doing the best I can.
This is the problem with people in general. They weren't there, so they don't get it. How could they?

I did an interview with the local CBS news station yesterday. They botched a portion of it and my idiot self said that there are "many guys that are not dead yet and I don't want them to die". I seriously said that. Lol. Talk about using the wrong wording. Shoot me please.

THIS is why I don't like doing interviews. Because journalists can't write, and I get nervous and can barely speak.

Well, his family caught wind of this lovely article and were "so upset". Once again on Facebook people are talking about how they could "rip me through the tube" while watching me. His mother then posted something on his facebook rememberence page, yet again, about the news story as if it were the most devistating thing she'd ever seen.

I'm doing the best I can.

What is the point in all of this? Would you like me to kill myself, Ms. K? Is that what you want? If not, I'm really missing the point of it all. I know you're hurting. I think of you often, hoping you are ok. But it's all going too far. Just stop. I'm begging you.

My Husband, Wounded Warrior, Fallen Marine - Huffington Post Article

2011-10-12T10:15:00.006-05:00

The article on us is out. Link is below.

That was probably the most difficult thing I've ever read.

First of all, I didn't know about the stuff lying around him when he died. That was new to me. That sucked to read. However, though they made it seem like it was him smoking fentanyl, I believe it was the fake weed often called "spice". Two bags of it were sent home with his things. Did that contribute to his death? I'm not sure. Maybe it, along with all his other meds were the problem. Should he have been doing it? No, and that was a huge part of our issues, his choices. My problem with this? Why was he left in a hotel room for so long? He was in there for well over 12 hours. You read his issues. The hospital knew about all of them. How could an inpatient facility allow that to happen? He shouldn't have been able to leave to get this stuff in the first place. That has always bothered me. As it said, they changed their policies right after he died and have been completely sketchy about talking about what happened. I'm going to stop now. Anger doesn't solve anything.

Second, he didn't hold me at gun point many times at random. It was once, maybe twice. And it was just sitting next to him cocked and loaded with his hand on it as he stared at me after/during big fights. Still scary, yes, but I wanted to clear that up.

Really, I just wanted to share the article with you guys, not pick the article over. The article was the truth, finally. If there are other families out there going through this, I am not aware of them because nobody has written about them. That is a problem to me. That is why I shared our story. Although sometimes embarrassing, it just... is. And that's ok.

Thank you to David Wood for taking the time to do this series of articles. These are all the things that have needed to be said. You are giving us a voice. Thank you.

If any of you have not looked at the previous articles, go to the link below and after reading the article on Cleve, look through the other two. There will be seven more. One each day. Read them, pass them along. They may be intense and a little hard to read, but it is the truth. People need to see this.

Be prepared because it's really intense.

www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/12/beyond-the-battlefield-3-jimmy-kinsey_n_1000357.html

My Husband's Best Friend Loves My Boyfriend

2011-10-11T09:39:00.003-05:00

I couldn't help but use that title. I'm sick and laughed at the thought of what people who have no idea what is going on will think when they read it.

As you know, Cleve's best friend Matt and his wife Shannon (one of my bestest best friends ever) came to visit this weekend. It was the first time Matt would meet my new boyfriend, and you know what...?

He LOVED him!

Hooray!!

Do you know how much better I feel? I always have a bit of guilt for living without Cleve in general, let alone happily with someone else that I've fallen in love with. The fact that Matt accepts Nick really, really means a lot to me. More weight has lifted and it feels lovely.

The weekend was good. I truly love when new and old friends get together and love each other and that is exactly what happened. My new girlfriends loved my old girlfriends and vice versa. Cleve's friends loved Nick. I mean, come on.

Smiles for miles, baby!

Matt and I also bonded a little more. We've always had a weird relationship. He would make fun of me for no reason, and I would flip him off. That was pretty much the extent of that. After Cleve died, things changed quite a bit. Really, after Cleve retired and we moved next door to them, he had changed a lot toward me. He still made fun of me, but for the first time he was beginning to be not only a friend to Cleve, but a friend to me as well. After Cleve died, Matt jumped in and did everything he could to help out even with a baby on the way. Well, the other night, after he had a handful of adult beverages, we had a bit of a heart to heart. Apparently he feels a little responsible for me. In an attempt to preserve his precious manhood, I will stop there. Still, it means a lot. I know it means a lot to Cleve, too.

There were only two downsides to the weekend. One, Nick and I had our first big fight RIGHT in front of Shannon and Matt. I couldn't have personally chosen worse timing. Luckily Matt and Shannon are realistic and know that all couples fight at some point. And Nick and I are just fine now. Second, I realized I am allergic to Oysters. I had mass amounts of oysters for the first time at Nick's parents house a couple of weeks ago. A few hours later, I was camping out next to the toilet and feeling as though I was going to die. I thought I had gotten food poisoning. Well, this weekend we all shared three dosen oysters and it happened again. Projectile vomit that could have won an award... in public.... seriously. It is a horrid feeling. I will NEVER eat them again! Food allergies are no bueno!

On another note, today is the second part of the ten part series by David Wood and The Huffington Post. Just as yesterdays did, it made me cry. Such heroes. Here is the link:

Beyond the Battlefield: With Better Technology And Training, Medics Saving More Lives

Huffington Post - Severely Wounded Warriors

2011-10-10T11:58:00.001-05:00

This is the first article by David Wood at the Huffington Post in a series of articles that I was involved in about Severely wounded servicemembers and their families. I truly hope that this will bring some much needed awareness. This is what a lot of families have been waiting for. Real awareness. Real information. Do not expect sugar. You won't find it here.

From A Decade Of War, An Endless Struggle For America's Severely Wounded Warriors

Check it out. Let me know what you think so far. Cleve and I will beon Wednesday - my friends Cheryl and Bryan on Friday.

Applebee's to offer free meal to veterans on veteran's day

2011-10-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

Applebee’s will again say THANK YOU to our nation’s veterans and active duty military by inviting them to their neighborhood Applebee’s for a free meal on Veterans Day, Friday, Nov. 11, 2011.

On this national day of respect and remembrance, Applebee’s is honored to salute veterans and active military for their service to our country.

As you may recall, Applebee’s initiated this program nationwide for the first time two years ago. As a result, we have provided more than one million free meals annually.

Each year, Veterans Day turns into a military reunion at Applebee’s in neighborhoods across the country. Veterans and active duty military from across generations enjoy great food as they share stories from their time serving our country.

This year, Applebee’s is offering a Veterans Day menu that includes some of its signature and favorite items.

Here are the details:

· All U.S. veterans and active duty personnel with proof of current or former military service will be treated to a free meal at all Applebee’s in their respective neighborhoods on Veterans Day, Friday, Nov. 11, 2011.

· Proof of service includes the following: U.S. Uniform Services Identification Card, U.S. Uniform Services Retired Identification Card, Current Leave and Earnings Statement, Veterans Organization Card, photograph in uniform or wearing uniform, DD214, Citation or Commendation.

That's Just Life

2011-10-05T20:48:00.004-05:00

I want nothing more than to be happy always.

The reality is that I probably won't get what I want. Still, I do my best.

Reality is that the past creeps up when I least expect it, the heaviness sets in, and once again my patience with myself and the life I've been given is tested - totally against my will. Pushing away the heaviness of the past can be hard. Really hard. My love for Cleve is heavy.

And really, that's just life. Everyone goes through it to some degree. Just when I start to feel I'm all alone in this sad world, there are moments when the people in my life will be pouring out their soul about all the little things that are bothering them. Sometimes they will just say one thing, shrugging their shoulders and breathing deep. It hits, I'm not the only one hurting. Everyone hurts. Life isn't easy for anyone.

I wish it were easier. Oh if wishing on stars really worked.

I guess in the end all I can do is be as happy as I can and live my life the best I know how. When the heaviness sets in, I'll sit with it for a minute, then shoo it away. It grounds me if it's taken in doses, but too much eats me alive. I've had to find that in between. It's a work in progress.

Today I feel a little weird. I miss Cleve a lot. He's been on my mind a lot.

What I would do to hear his voice again...

Still, life is good. Other than the lack of him, life is good.

http://youtu.be/SBuUcqPCbJM

Awesome

2011-10-04T10:44:00.000-05:00

A few accounts of awesomeness in no particular order:

1. I am able to sleep through the night without benedryl now. I had been taking benedryl every night for over a year. Not good. Well, it is long gone now! I wake up from a full night of sleep and actually remember my dreams! <3

2. I am a quarter of the way through my Real Estate course and am SO excited to be done with it and get started selling some houses. Nick's stepmom is going to get me a job where she is working and is super excited to be working as a team. This makes me happy.

3. I am going to go meet the founder of FamilyofaVet.com today for lunch. If you haven't already, go check out their site. It's funny because I found them years ago and had NO idea that Brannan lives right down the street from where I grew up! Small world for sure! Totally stoked to meet her.

4. I am FULLY moved into my new place. It took me forever, but it's so nice to finally be DONE with the other place. I swear it was starting to mold.

5. Shannon and Matt are coming to visit this weekend!! This will be Matt's (Cleve's best friend) first time meeting Nick. This should be interesting. Matt was not too keen on the idea of me dating someone at first, but seems to have chilled out about it. I'm excited about this because I know he's going to like Nick, even if he's hesitant to. I'm truly hoping that he can accept Nick not as someone who is trying to take Cleves place, but as someone who loves me and is taking care of me when Cleve can't.

6. I'm going to NYC at the end of the month for a book writing thing. I'll post more details about that after I get back. I try to avoid being stalked. I've never been a fan of rapists or murderers.

That's all for now! I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful Fall weather!

A Military Wives Reality Show?

2011-09-30T08:33:00.002-05:00

In the past there has been a lot of discussion amongst military wives about what would happen if there were ever to be a military housewives reality show. While most agree it would be interesting considering most of our lives are insane in one way or another, it seems most of us also agreed that if there were one, it probably wouldn't be for the best. Typically this topic has been brushed off as something that probably couldn't work considering the hush-hush mentality of the military, anyway. I always assumed they wouldn't allow something like this at all. Well, apparently I was wrong.

I just caught wind today that there is a military wives reality show in the works. If you check out http://www.militarywivescasting.com/, Doron Ofir casting is currently seeking military wives in the San Diego area for a new show - "Military Wives of San Diego". These are the same guys who work with shows like "Jersey Shore", "Paris Hilton's My New BFF", and "A Shot At Love". Now, while all of these shows proved to be fairly popular, they weren't for the right reasons. In fact, they are pretty freakin' trashy. That scares me a little. As a military wife, do I want to be grouped in with these people?

No. No I don't.

Here is what Doron Ofir casting has to say about it:

"You fell in love with a man in uniform, in fact, you're married to the military. Behind every man stands a great woman, none more so than the man in service to his country. Military wives will celebrate these unsung heroes that are also making the sacrifice, spending their nights alone, holding down the fort on home soil."

While it doesn't sound bad and I admit I'd tune in out of sheer curiosity, I still can't help but be skeptical. I can't help but consider people like "Jon and Kate". They signed up for a cute little family show and ended up with a broken home and made themselves look like a couple of morons. I think anyone signing up for this military wives reality show will be risking the same. Is it worth it?

The wives that sign up for this are also taking on the responsibility of representing every military housewife in America. Can they handle that? Are the types of women who will be signing up for this going to be the types we want representing us? Doubtful.

I personally would prefer not be represented by a reality show at all. The idea gives me the heeby jeebs and the possibility (probability) that they will cast the most dramatic, interesting (skanky) people they can find, makes me uncomfortable. There is a huge chance that this show will really make military housewives look bad. Don't we have enough on our plate as it is?

Still, I'm pretty sure there is not a thing I can do about it. Considering they are already casting for it, I'm just going to hope that this show will be different from the others. I'm going to hope that they respect military families as a whole and do their best to show us all in a good light.

I hope.

What are your thoughts on all of this? Are you all for it? Against it? Will you be tuning in?

The Transition Project: Adjusting To Life After Deployment

2011-09-28T08:47:00.000-05:00

Check out this newly published release of The Transition Project: Adjusting To Life After Deployment. JustMilitaryLoans.com put it together to encourage and offer support to military families and servicemembers. It’s a series of articles that includes heart touching interviews from those who have been deployed, and the struggles, challenges and joys of returning home. The interviews include several active servicemen, wives holding the fort at home, and a mother’s perspective. There’s also a photo gallery of touching reunions, as well as a resource page for further support.

Attention: Wounded Warrior Wives, Survivors of Fallen Spouses, and Supporters

2011-09-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I didn't know what else to put up there to get your attention, but I have a few things I want to let you guys know about.

First of all, the EBV-F program. EBV-F stands for Entrepreneur Bootcamp for Veterans Families. This is the program I attended nearly a year ago that encouraged me not only to see myself as my own boss, but gave me the confidence to make it happen. This is available to caregivers of servicemember (any caregiver) and surviving spouses.

Anyone who has been reading for a while might remember me coming back from this wanting to open a shoe store. Months later, I literally had my papers in hand to sign the lease for the building and get started when I decided, for my own sake, that I needed to slow down and just go to school. The only reason I decided that is because Cleve had only been gone for less than a year (and I didn't trust my grieving self to make any decisions) and school is a goal that I have had since before he was injured. Still, I know that one day I will have my own business. I know one day, when I decide to do that, I will have ample support and will have the knowledge to do it! This program was absolutely one of the best things I ever signed up for and I encourage you to do the same! You will not regret this.

And, let me make this clear - when I went I only had a curiosity about opening my own business. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. That is ok! They will help you find something that you fit in and will help you make it grow. I still have my eyes open for smaller businesses to get into. At this point, I'm just waiting for the right one to pop up.

If this is something you think you might be interested in, click on the link above and sign up. If you end up going, I would LOVE to hear from you about your experience! I've been a cheerleader for this since I went and would love to know that someone found this article and decided to go! Good luck!

The next thing I want to mention is this:

Bubba's Belly Run

This is a 501(c)(3) held in honor of Captain Brian "Bubba" Bunting, who was killed whil serving in Afghanistan in February of 2009. All proceeds go directly to the families of the fallen. This year they are focusing on the children that are effected.

They are almost half way to their goal. The way you can help is by purchasing a flag that will be displayed in honor of a fallen servicemember. Just go to the page and click the "click here to donate" button.

Thank you in advance!

Next (and I know I'm asking so much of you right now, but it's totally worth it), if you could head on over to the Top Ten CNN Heroes of 2011, you will notice that the ever so amazing Taryn Davis, founder of the American Widow Project, is listed! We all have a chance to help her win the top spot and $250,000 for the project. Just click on the link and vote... for Taryn, of course! It'll only take a second. Again, thank you so much in advance!!

Last but not lease, Homes for our Troops has a handicap accessible home in Cumming, GA, approximately 40 miles north of Atlanta. To meet the basic qualifications Veterans must be eligible for the Specially Adapted Housing Grant, injured while deployed in support of OEF/OIF, and medically retired or retiring in the near future. Interested Veterans should contact Laura Butler (She went to the EBV-F program with me, too! ) at 240-281-9672 or lbutler@homesforourtroops.org to begin the application process.

Thank you for everything guys!

I Found It!!

2011-09-18T20:34:00.000-05:00

I've found that though the past may have given me scars, the scars somehow have made me more confident in myself. They've made me stronger. Better.

I am happier, as a whole, than I have ever been.

I feel more accomplished than I have ever felt both in my accomplishments and my relationships.

I sometimes feel like I need to pinch myself.

Maybe...

...maybe I just appreciate things more. What seems little to some, means the world to me. Maybe that's what it is.

Still, I love it.

And I'm proud of myself.

I spent much of last week rereading everything I had written in the last year and two things stood out to me.

One, I have come a long, long way. Long. Like... excuse my french, but holy shit how did that happen? And where did the time go? It is amazing to watch yourself, in your own words, grow and progress and learn and morph into who you are today. Just wow.

And two, I could see the huge impact Nick had in my life when I met him. He showed me how to live again. He gave me new purpose. And it is so obvious in my writing. After I read it I could not stop the tears of happiness. How lucky am I to be given a second chance at love? I'm so, so lucky.

I really hope that all of this keeps up. All I've ever talked about in this god forsaken blog is that I want happiness. My place in the world.

And this week I realized...

I freaking found it.

I.

Am holding on for dear life.

Veteran's Affairs Shenanigans

2011-09-13T08:45:00.000-05:00

In the last few weeks I've gotten a lot done!

For me, anyway!

It all started with my lovely Kelly taking me on base to get a military i.d. For the past year I thought getting this done would be absolute hell. I just knew that they would make it so difficult on me and there would be a slight chance I'd have to bust out my mace in order to get things done around there.

I walked in, I gave them Cleve's social security number, they asked for my driver's license, then they handed me an i.d.

Oops.

That being so easy gave me some serious confidence.I went back to the VA a few days ago with all the paperwork I thought I would ever need, ready to file for the rest of the military benefits; headstone, funeral payment, school scholarship. I get there and list out all the things I need only to find out that I am missing paperwork, if not multiple pieces of paperwork for everything I needed to get done.

I forgot my mace so I was forced to suck it up and go on a hunt for these mysterious documents that I do not seem to have.

The thing that kills me about the VA is that I can send one VA office something but the other VA offices won't have it. So you have to send the same paper over and over and over again. Hell, I'm pretty sure I've sent the same VA office paperwork for one benefit, but when I have to file for another, they need it again.

Refer to your past files people!

The other thing that killed me was that the lady was perfectly capable of telling me I did not have what I needed but when asked how to get it, she was clueless.

Lady: "You need a DD214"
Me: "But I have paperwork saying he died of service connected disabilities right here. Why is a DD214 even relevant anymore?"
Lady: "I don't know ma'am, it's just on the list of things needed."
Me: "Ok. I lost his, how do I get another one?"
Lady: "Um... have you tried this?"
Me: "Yes. They don't have a copy anymore."
Lady: "Uhhh... I'm not sure. Maybe try calling this person? Oh, but they won't be in until Tuesday."
Me: "Oh...thanks?"
Me: "So, where is the social security administration? I'd like to go ahead and get my card today."
Lady: "I have no idea. You're going to have to ask someone else."
Me: "Thanks"

I left the office with nothing. Honestly, I was pretty livid. I hate going somewhere expecting to get a bunch of things done only to leave empty handed. I also hate people who somehow land jobs where they do nothing but read straight out of a manual to answer all your questions. The day I meet someone competent at the VA is the day I will have a brand new best friend.

Anyway, since then I've been figuring out on my own how to obtain these things. I got my social security card which means I now have five forms of identification on me. I also found some paperwork that will supposedly get me his DD214, though I'm afraid it's not as easy as that. There are a handful of other things that I'm not so sure about. I kinda think she's just stupid so once I get the DD214, if I do, I'm gonna take it all to someone else and see if they think it's enough documentation.

Regardless, all of this has been a huge weight on my shoulders and with the power of sunshine, I've been able to just do it without thinking about it too much. It's pretty freaking sweet.

Also, I think I'm going to get my Real Estate license. It might sound a tad out in left field, but it's something I always thought would be fun. Now that I'm "back home", which happens to be near the beach, I'm in a perfect place to do it. I'd like to do this while going to school, potentially. It's also something to fill in the gap between now and (hopefully) school in January.

And I'll tell you what. After all the times I didn't make the deadline for the semester I wanted, if I don't this time, considering I'm filing the paperwork five months prior, then I need to find a new freaking goal already!

Thoughts on 9/11

2011-09-11T10:22:00.001-05:00

I was in 11th grade when the twin towers were hit by terrorists and fell to the ground. As I watched horrified, I had no idea that my friend just down the hall would one day go to war over this, become my husband, go back to war, and lose his leg fighting. When he lost his leg, I had no idea that four years later, he would die.

At 16 years old, I was naive. I remember feeling overwhelming sorrow for those who lost their lives. People feeling so desperate that they felt the need to jump from windows hundreds of stories up. I remember thinking, "Those poor families watching this and wondering, 'Is my family member ok?'" I remember the silence throughout my school. Everyone was so still, watching the TV in horror as the second plane hit the buildings. Still, at that time, it did not directly effect me. My country changed and we went to war, but nobody I cared about had been taken from me. And I have to say, I was so thankful for that.

Today, things are different. I have had to bury my best friend. I truly know now how it must have felt for the families that day. I'm so sorry I didn't before. My heart goes out to you.

Today I remember all the people who lost their lives that day. I also remember Cleve and all those that died in the days following because of the war. I remember their families - I know the pain never truly goes away.

I will NEVER forget.

Dreams Can Be Rough

2011-09-07T12:18:00.001-05:00

I had a very weird dream last night. I have to write it down because I feel like it's important with how I feel about things right now.

I can't remember all of the details, but this is it in a nutshell.

Cleve was alive and everything was normal. We were extremely happy. Laughing. Kissing. Like nothing had ever happened. Then I fell asleep (I dreamt I fell asleep), or so I thought, and dreamt he was dead. Nick was there. We were like we are now. Laughing. Kissing. But I felt guilt because I missed Cleve and because I was sad about him being gone. But I didn't want Nick to leave either. I woke back up and Cleve was there alive again. All of a sudden, I couldn't figure out which was real and which was a dream.Then they merged together. Cleve and Nick in the same room and me feeling like a jerk. I wanted them both to stay. I was so happy Cleve was alive, but I felt like I had cheated on him with Nick. But I also felt like I was cheating on Nick with Cleve. Then a swarm of wasps attacked me and I fell off a cliff or something.

I woke up scared at this point.

It felt so real. It took me a second before I realized I was dreaming.

My brain is mean to me.

Accepted

2011-09-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

The weather these days is insane. While I'm being drowned with rain, Texas is being engulfed in fires. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Either way, despite the rain and the fact that some of the siding has come off of my place, everything is pretty peachy. The people around here look at storms like this in the face and say, "HURRICANE PARTY!" Which, last night was no exception. I spent last night on the beach (indoors, of course) listening to Zydeco music with Nick and his family. People were swing dancing, line dancing, table dancing, and everything in between. You never would've known there was a storm at all. Oh, the joys of the beach. Speaking of Nick's family I would just like to say how amazing it is to finally be ACCEPTED. I never had that with Cleve's family. They never gave me a chance - disliked me from day one for being "different" from them. I felt I constantly had to prove myself or "be the bigger person" to maintain peace. Nick's family is so different, though. Like with him, the relationship has been easy. They have accepted me with open arms. I've become so comfortable with them. In fact, they help me and support me as my parents would. This may sound slightly pathetic, but last night we all grouped together for a family picture by his parent's request. I was included in it. Did you know, there was not one family picture in Cleve's family with me in it? I was never considered family for some reason. The fact that I was included in theirs meant more to me than they'll ever know. And I know it's small, but to me it means everything. I love that picture now. In other news, life is really slowing down. I'm trying to take it easy and I think I can honestly say this is the least stressed I have been... ever? I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm ok with that, though. This is the feeling I've needed in order to be productive. I typically have so much going on in my head that it's hard to focus on any one thing. I find myself just grasping randomly onto anything that comes my way to feel normal for a second. But now, I think I may have the capacity to focus. I may have the level ground I need to actually do something with myself. Freaking woot on that! Before I get ahead of myself, I'm fully aware that I still have a lot going on up there and I'm ok with taking everything slow. It's just nice to feel an ounce of peace and feel I have some control over my emotions. It's a scary ride when you lose control of them and I haven't had control for years! Well, a grilled cheese and a movie is calling my name. Rainy weather days and grilled cheese sandwiches are like "thisss".

Two years out of the military

2011-09-01T13:03:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today was the first day of civilian life for Cleve and I as a couple. Man, we thought this was going to change everything. We invested so much time and energy into this date. And yet, we had no idea that the changes leaving the military would make were the exact opposite of what we thought. Looking back it seems like leaving is when everything started spiraling downhill at a speed neither of us could keep up with. It's not easy being transitioned from the military to civilian life, let alone with an amputation, a brain injury, two people with ptsd, and being use to living in a hospital with doctors at your beckon call. In the military we were catered too and we were one family in thousands with the exact same issues. In Birmingham, we were the only ones and nobody cared about our day to day life. It got lonely fast. And reality set in that we had been carrying some heavy burdens for far too long. They didn't seem as heavy when surrounded by others carrying the same load, but in the normal world our walls started to cave in. We both began to suffocate. The months before his death were the darkest I thought I would ever see. So lost. Grasping for anything that made me feel human - that gave me a purpose - a reason to wake up. We had lost each other. We both felt helpless. Hopeless. We were teetering on the line between love and hate. Our passion - obsession for each other started to rock back and forth furiously between the two and all we could do was hold on. I remember a few weeks before he left for his PTSD therapy I begged him to come over and just hold me. He came over, laid down on the floor with me and held me in his arms. He stared at me the entire time. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. I hate. That he was ever injured. I hate. The military. I feel they let him down. I hate. Myself for not being strong enough. I hate. The side of Cleve that would hurt me. The side that forced me to leave. I hate. That nobody listened when we told them. I hate. Pills. I hate. His death. I hate. His grave. I hate. This pain. His retirement did nothing for us but make our flaws and the wounds we accumulated over the years more apparent. September first is yet another day that makes me wonder what the point in "all of this" really is. One decision in one moment can change your entire life. The moment I fell in love with him, this path was laid out. I could go down a list of decisions that caused a violent shift in our lives without us knowing it. If he hadn't gone to therapy, would he have lived, or was it only a matter of time? If we had moved somewhere else, would we have been happier? Maybe none of this would have happened? His death has made me painfully aware of everyday decisions. One wrong move and BAM... everything is ruined.... or made. And it's all up to me.

I Have Issues

2011-08-30T22:41:00.003-05:00

I have this issue. It's actually been an issue. And the REAL issue, is that this is only an issue because I MAKE it an issue.

Anyway.

Back to the day I met Nick - I didn't talk about Cleve or being a widow at all. He had no idea about any of it for a while. I just... I dunno. There were a couple of reasons for it, I guess. For one, I don't like being "that girl". I don't want to be treated a certain way because I've gone through "things". I can't express how much that makes me want to puke. I don't want people constantly talking about my misfortunes and making that sad, squishy face. It always ends up in people wanting to touch me and "talk about it".... no thanks. To me, if I meet someone new, I'm excited because to them I'm just a regular old jacked up, confused 26 year old. That. Is awesome.

Another reason I didn't want him to know may sound weird. Ok. You know how when you're dating someone new you shouldn't talk about your ex boyfriend? Your live ex boyfriend? Well, I feel I should give the same courtesy to Nick. Even if mine isn't exactly alive. I just... I've always been very empathetic and when I put myself in his shoes I can't imagine being extremely comfortable with him constantly talking about his dead wife, ya know? Not that I'd be mad, I just wouldn't know what to say. And I'd constantly feel bad. And I would feel inadequate next to her. Thing is, I don't want to ever make Nick feel that way!

Now, here's the issue. My issue is that I can't find the happy medium. For a normal couple, if a friend brings up the ex boyfriend (or husband) around the new boyfriend, you threaten to kill said friend and it never happens again. In this situation, friends will obviously bring up Cleve. I even bring up Cleve. The problem is that everytime he is brought up around Nick, I feel like there's an elephant in the room. I can tell Nick tenses up because in all reality he doesn't fit in in said conversation in any way, and with him tensing up I tense up and it's just bad. I have one side of me that could talk about Cleve all day and another side of me that feels guilty for bringing him up at all. And the real catch? If I don't talk about cleve enough, I feel guilt for that too. I have a headache even writing this. I want to talk about him. I think about him constantly. Hell, I have caught myself almost calling Nick Cleve SO many times. It happened three times tonight.

I'm a mess.

Thing is, I could probably solve this by just talking with Nick. He's never said anything that made me feel I couldn't talk about the things I feel I need to. I just, don't want to lose Nick. In fact, I'm terrified of it. He's made such an impact on my life, I'm afraid of what would happen to me if he left. Maybe that is the main issue. Not to mention there is a huge part of me, if not majority, that feels I let Cleve down. I don't want to make the same mistake with Nick. Not that talking about Cleve to Nick is going to "let him down", but I'm just extra careful with everything that I do. I feel like I have to.

I dunno. I just really need to figure this out. I love two people. I will never love less than one person. Never. Obviously, if you judge by my blog, Cleve is a huge part of my life still...he always will be. And really, I'm sick of feeling I live a double life. One being the part that thinks about Cleve all of the time, and the other being my everyday life where I act as if nothing happened. And, I don't feel there is a need to talk to Nick about Cleve all the time, but if something reminds me of him I wish I could say that it does without feeling guilt.

I need to chill out on the guilt. I let it run my life.

I really am my own worst enemy sometimes.

I need to talk to Nick. He'd probably be upset that this was bothering me so much. He wouldn't want me to feel so bad over this.

I'm such a weird person. I think. Then I think about what I thought about. Then I think more about thinking about what I thought about. It's so annoying. Not to mention the CONSTANT guilt. I always feel guilty about something. And the more people that are entering my life, the more things I have to feel guilty about.

I couldn't make her birthday party.

I talk about Cleve too much.

I can't go on that trip with that person.

I can't watch this persons dog.

AH!!!

I'm gonna go watch a chick flick now.

Impromptu New Orleans Trip

2011-08-29T23:06:00.003-05:00

I am currently sitting at my new place and stealing internet from a neighboring apartment. It's not set up here yet and I was having withdrawals.

(Sorry neighboring apartment.)

I'm pretty excited because I'm so close to the beach that I could walk to it right now and lay in the sand if I wanted to. I don't, but if I wanted to... I could. This makes me happy.

Anywho, this last weekend was pretty much awesome. It was almost ruined by Hurricane Irene, though. I was supposed to go with seven other military widows to Charleston, SC for some fun in the sun. However, we decided it wasn't the safest thing in the world and didn't go. Since Kelly and I only live an hour away, we decided to make an impromptu trip to New Orleans instead. It ended up being a fantastic idea. Though I've been to New Orleans quite a few times, I got to do a few things I'd never done before.

First of all, we stayed in a Hostel, which I've been wanting to do but it kind of intimidated me. It ended up going really well! The atmosphere was extremely cool and laid back - Imagine New Orleans -hippy - chic with lot's of art on the walls and lots of colors. It's also WAY cheaper than going to a regular hotel. I plan to use hostels for future trips as much as I can.

We also discovered the City Park. I didn't even know New Orleans had a park, let alone a really big, gorgeous one. The park was covered in live oaks with moss flowing fromt he branches. I cannot correctly express my love for big, old trees. Especially mossy ones. It made me very happy. In the center of the park, we discovered an art museum. We decided to go - another thing I've never done in New Orleans. I always love a good art museum. It was very large and had some really beautiful paintings.

Last, but not least, I tried some new food. The first being crawfish pie. Yea, it sounds kinda gross. I will admit that I was very hesitant to try it, but it ended up being delicious! I shall never doubt cajun food again. The next night I tried duck for the first time. It was different, though. It was a duck quesadilla. I was a little afraid it would be too "mexican-y", but it wasn't at all. It was duck and cheese in a tortilla, obviously, but the thing that made it different is that it was in this orange reduction sauce (that's how the chef explained it). The sauce had sliced peppers in it, and on top of the quesadilla was homemade, sweet/spicy salsa, and sour cream. It. Was. So. Good. I would have snorted it if I could because, seriously, it took too long to eat. It was the perfect mixture of sweet and spicy and salty. Mmm.

In the end, New Orleans never disappoints. You can always depend on it for good food, good music, and good people. And yes, I heard some fantastic blues/jazz bands and met some really cool people. In my book, that is success.

Oh, Being a Widow

2011-08-18T00:40:00.003-05:00

I can't help it. I deal with things by pushing them away. If it makes me uncomfortable or makes me sad or makes me anxious, I ignore it. It's not always a good thing and that's something I'm working with, but it's how I function. Things like Cleve, for example, I can't talk about him all the time. I just can't. People who read this probably think I'm full of crap because it's all I talk about here, but this is it for me. I hardly ever talk about him outside of this little space on the internet, or at least that's how it was until I met other widows. Meeting them has caused him to come up a lot more. I've noticed that some widows talk about their husbands non stop, almost as if they are still there, some do not talk about them at all. I have to say, I am jealous of the ones who can talk about their husbands on a regular basis. I'm jealous of the ones that can live their lives alone, completely content with the love they had with their spouses. Sometimes I feel like a bad wife for being able to love someone else so much. Sometimes I wish I could live the rest of my life proclaiming the love I had for my husband as my one and only true love. Those widows seem so powerful. They represent their husbands so well! So, what makes me different? Why am I like this? If I talk about him for too long, I turn into a blubbering mess. If I think about our life together for too long, I shell up in my apartment and don't want to leave my bed. Everytime I talk about my husband with my widows, I'm the one that ends up crying. Yet, on a daily basis, I rarely speak of him. I'm so.... something. I want to say pathetic, but I know that is just being too mean to myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess as comforting as it is to know that all widows are different, it also makes you wonder why...

I've had his autopsy report chilling on my kitchen bar for a week now. I have yet to look at it. And the more it sits there, the more I wonder if I even want to. Everytime I walk by it it's like I'm passing by his lifeless body. It's. So. Heavy. Even thinking about it now feels so heavy on my chest. This has caused me a lot of stress. He's been very.... very heavy on my mind.

Man. At times I feel so powerful for what I've been through. At times I feel beat up by it. Weak.

I feel unstable most of the time. I feel like I want things and do the best I can to achieve them but always end up short of where I want to be because I'm stuck in the past. I feel that as much as the past has helped me to grow, it has also crippled me.

I try very hard to be happy. Hell, most of the time I actually am now. But it's those few days that feel so dark. They are enough to fizzle the happy ones. Luckily, it's better than having no good days to fizzle. A year ago my bad days were just eating each other. I felt as if I were in a black hole. I don't feel like that anymore. That's an improvement. Yay.

Diary's are scary. They show how often you contradict yourself. If I were to be honest, I would say I don't WANT to know how much I contradict myself. It's embarrassing. One minute I say I'm happy and coming to terms with this death thing and the next I'm confused again. Nice.

I guess I just needed to ramble randomness tonight. I actually had a good day, believe it or not. I got a lot done. Not to mention we've been having the first signs of Fall weather. YAYYYY!!!!!! I've said in the past that weather has a HUGE effect on my happiness and Summer weather makes me want to hide. I cannot WAIT until my happy, perfect, jeep weather is back. MEEP!

2011-08-15T03:12:00.002-05:00

25 year olds are NOT supposed to die. It's total bs. Total... freaking... bs. I've met all these widows and sometimes I go through their old pictures and look at their husbands pictures and it just sucks. These young, smiling faces... died. And these beautiful people I've met had to... bury them. It's crap.

My face hurts from crying.

This up and down thing has got to stop, man. It's so tiring. I miss my friend. I miss his face. Just sucks.

It's late. I'm randomly really upset about Cleve. I had to bitch for a second.

The End.

A Busy Week in Pictures

2011-08-13T15:45:00.008-05:00

Lauren came to town!!

We swam with a dolphin!

My face says it all. Hahaha. It was so much fun, buuut he was going quite fast!

My widdows on my birthday night. Kelly, Lauren, Me, and Tiffany. <3

Birthday night take two with my girls. Kelly, Amber, Me, Christine.

Nick and I. He was such a trooper hanging out with my ladies. <3

Happy On My Birthday

2011-08-11T14:58:00.004-05:00

Good news.

Today is turning out awesome.

I just thought I would say that now after my depressing blog yesterday.

First of all, I went to a bunch of places looking for a birthday dress yesterday and couldn't find anything. Well, I went to one store today and found three. That -- is awesome. Before that, first thing in the morning, as I was going to push the snooze button on my alarm clock, I reached over to my phone to check the messages. In my e-mail was a pretty surprising message. Before Cleve went to PTSD therapy about a year and a half ago (I think?), we were supposed to go on a cruise to the caribbean. Sadly, we had to cancel after his PTSD episode. The organization contacted me two weeks ago to see if we would like to go on another trip they are doing. I hate having to tell people he died, but I did. Well, this morning they invited me to go anyway with a guest. Um -- happy birthday to me?! On the one hand, it is going to be a little emotional. On the other, I've been wanting to be around injured guys again so bad. I know that sounds weird, but it gives me comfort. That makes me really excited. And of course going on a cruise. I've never been on one. They are letting me bring a guest as well and I'm going to bring another military widow - my friend Kelly. On top of all of that, I'm going to dinner with 7 of my awesome friends tonight.

Today is good.

Autopsy Report

2011-08-10T20:41:00.002-05:00

I checked the mail this afternoon and Cleve's autopsy report was in my mailbox...

I got in the car, lit a cigarette, and stared at the unopened mail. I have plans to look at it this weekend with my friends. I know I can't be alone. However, I felt the need to peek.

I'm a moron.

I opened it barely, flipped to the middle, and looked at the first sentence. All I saw were the words, "the nasal bones". I closed it quickly and got it away from me. I started crying, then stopped. I lit another cigarette, then started bawling, then stopped. This shit makes me freaking lose my mind. I am dreading reading it even more now. Since I saw those three stupid words I've been in a serious funk. Pretty sure there is worse to be read.

Eh.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm dreading it more than anything at the moment. I'm tired and just want to sleep.

I'm depressing right now. Anyone think I'm bipolar yet?

Regardless of my initial feelings, I am still excited to be with my friends. I'm excited because I know they will quickly put me in a good mood.

Look-alike

2011-08-06T23:40:00.003-05:00

Kelly, my newest friend and fellow military widow, invited me to go see her favorite band playing. We get there, grab a couple drinks, accidentally steal someones table and get away with it because we're cute girls, then started listening to the amazing music. They are good. Like, really good. That made me happy. Well, as I'm listening, Kelly starts giving me some background on the guys in it. She's friends with them. She points to one of them and told me he's from Greece. My first reaction, being fairly far from the stage, was that he reminded me of Cleve. I shrugged it off to me being psycho. About a half an hour later, they took a break and Kelly wanted to go talk to them. We go up there, the guy comes up, he is a dead ringer. I mean, I have never seen anyone who looks so much like him in my life. It was hard, too because he had a lot of the same facial expressions. When he was back on stage, I just stared at him. I haven't seen that face actually move in so long. I just watched it move.

And...I know it wasn't really him. And, I did notice the little things that made them different, but MAN it is uncanny. It sucks because I had this intense feeling of either wanting to kiss him or slap him. I refrained from both.

The poor guy noticed I was staring him down a few times. I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable. I just couldn't stop staring. They come back in a week and I will be there. In fact, I think they just gained a stalker. Can't help it. I don't care if it isn't really Cleve, I will go to the shows, watch, and at least have a few hours of pretending.

PS. I will probably be reading the autopsy report for the first time sometime this week. I'm terrified, but I will have at least two widows and my best friend of 11 years with me. Thank goodness for friends.

<3

Chunkiness and my 26th Birthday

2011-08-03T00:55:00.002-05:00

Must. Get. Back. To. The. Gym.

I am SO irritating. I went to the gym and kicked butt, then slowly but surely it got boring. I lost fifteen, and probably gained back five. That's still ten gone, but I need to lose at least 25 more. I NEED to get this hospital chub OFFFFFF.

The reason I'm writing this is because sometimes seeing it written out is the kick I need to get serious. What's ridiculous is I loved working out. Then other things came up - traveling and moving - they got me out of my schedule and working out took a back burner. Now it looks like a huge mountain again. I need to get over myself and just GO back. It's one hour a day.

Ok, I'm gonna do it. I'm sick of being... chunky. Even the word chunky is gross to me.

Chunky.

Yea, not a fan. I'm going back to the gym.

On another note! My 26th birthday is coming up on the 11th. THAT is the scariest thing I've ever heard on the planet. I will officially be closer to 30 than 20 annnd will be older than Cleve. Yuck. That being said, I refuse to sit around and obsess about my oldness so I'm going out two nights in a row with my favorite people in the area. First night, a really cool tapas restaurant. Second night, cocktails and live band at the beach with friends. This makes me happy. This is also what keeps me....."chunky". Ha!

It's been a while

2011-08-01T16:56:00.003-05:00

I have not blogged enough recently. Honestly, you know what that means?? Things are kinda good right now. Nick and I are awesome. He actually met my entire family at my sister's wedding. My parents love him. He has met most of my friends now as well. They all love him. Our relationship honestly freaks me out sometimes. We really don't have any issues. I mean, every relationship has their ups and downs and we are no different, but it's all normal stuff. I'm really happy with this relationship. Really really happy.

I've been feeling a lot better about Cleve's death as well. I think my brain has finally processed it. I'm not obsessing about it 24/7 anymore. I have hours at a time where I'm not thinking about it at all. Not days... but hours is a huge step for me. I can drive alone without crying-usually. I can look at his eyes in pictures without being depressed the rest of the day. I still have problems sleeping and have issues with dealing with day to day things in a normal manner without having massive anxiety but I'm working on it.

I'm moving soon. Actually I've already started. I plan on this place being more permanant. I wanted to be moved by the time the Fall semester of school started but I wasn't able to do that. I decided to put off school for ONE more semester, move, and spend the next few months focusing on getting all the things done that I've put off for so long. Including getting on sleeping meds and maybe anti anxieties of some kind. This way, when I start, I will be 110% ready to kick serious butt. I can't screw this up. I'm flaky these days and I don't want that to ruin this ONE thing that I've wanted for so long.

Another random thing that's been pretty awesome is the amount of friends I have these days. I have never had so many in my life! Sometimes it's almost overwhelming. So many people to keep up with! I always feel bad about not keeping up with someone enough. Luckily my friends are awesome and don't hold it against me.

That's all for now. <3

California Adventures

2011-07-20T01:43:00.004-05:00

So, as I said before, Sacramento went really well. At least the part I went for. The people at the church were so loving and amazing. I felt right at home. Speaking on a stage was a little scary, but after we started it was a breeze. I had to do it twice. The first time I burst into tears and couldn't speak for a minute. The second time I was able to suck it up and avoid that. When it was over we went out to eat on an old boat then went around old town Sacramento. It was actually really cute. Cheryl and I had fun.

Now, before all of this fun, easy stuff, my moronic self missed my flight there and therefore missed the massage and dinner that was planned for me on our one free day. SO, I was pretty exhausted the day we spoke. I did survive, though. That was just the beginning of my loooong weekend.

The last night there I got a few hours of sleep then was up EARLY to make it to my flight home. I got to my gate and eventually got on my plane. I sat on the thing for an hour and a half only to deplane due to maintanance. It was the fourth of July. I was planning to make it back in time for fireworks. I was alllll the way in the back of the plane and the rebookings were first come, first serve. I stood in line... for five hours. Finally I get to the desk, "We got you a new ticket for tonight at 10:30! It's a red eye and you'll be back bright and early at 8:00 tomorrow morning!" The ticket chick was QUITE perky considering she was well aware of the fact that any plans I may have had for the night were just royally screwed. I literally had tears in my eyes. I was EXHAUSTED and just witnessed a flight boarding to Atlanta right next to me. I NEEDED TO BE IN ATLANTA! I sat down, opened my laptop, and started searching for private jets. Once I came to terms with the fact that that was probably out of my price range, I moped and complained to everyone I knew. After moping for a while, I decided to make the best of things. San Francisco was only two hours away and I had always wanted to visit. So, I rebooked my ticket and went. I booked a hotel that was surpisingly cheap considering the pictures, then realized why as soon as I got there. FUN-KAY! However, it was funny funky, so I went with it.

I had no clothes because my bag was on my red eye flight, so I went shopping first. I got a dress, underwear, shoes, and some makeup. I went back and took a shower. I was hungry. I heard someone talking about an Indian Restaurant in passing. I had never had Indian food, so I went on a search for some. The one I found was on Crack lane, apparently. I've never encountered a bigger group of scary people in my life. I pushed past the, "Hey white girl" comments and the "I want to eat you" stares, and got into the restaurant which I quickly realized had no menus. "Uhhh--What do you recommend?" "What do you like?" "Um--Chicken?" "OK, how about this?" "That works..."
I got a plate of soupy chicken stuff, pita bread, and some rice looking stuff. I had no idea how to consume this. So, I thought, it KINDA looks like cajun food -- how would a cajun eat this? I just started piling things together and shuving it in my mouth. It was actually pretty good, though I'm pretty sure I ate it wrong. After this I needed an adult beverage. I left to go to a bar that looked fairly safe. I had a few drinks and my smart self starts telling the bartender how I had gotten there and where I was staying, la de da. He was old and funny and I, apparently, felt too comfortable that he wasn't a rapist. I go back to my hotel and start to get ready to hunt for fireworks. I ran downstairs to get a toothbrush and realize one of the guys from the bar is sitting in the lobby. I ran back upstairs and called the front desk asking if the guy was staying there. They said he asked for a Karie, and they had just tried calling me to see if I knew him. I said, "Um, NO!" They asked him to leave and asked if I wanted to change my room. He didn't know my room number, but I changed it anyway. I went to the VERY top floor because it was the furthest away from the lobby which from then on FREAKED me out. After that, I was too scared to leave. So, I sat in my room hanging out the window trying to see if I could see a firework from there. I could hear them, but couldn't freaking see one. I called Nick crying like a freak. Him and all my friends and family that were in town were joyously hanging out and just SO happy. I hated them all at that moment. I wanted to be home so bad. I left early the next morning, got a good breakfast at the airport, and FINALLY made it home. I have never wanted to be in the south so bad in my life. Thing is, San Francisco looked SO cool! I really want to go back. I just want to be with someone next time so I can enjoy it a little more. As much as I'd like to think I can travel on my own, I'm not so sure anymore.

So that was my California adventure. Ha! The reason I went was a success and I did get to see a new place, though it didn't turn out as planned. Overall, it's fun to look back on! I must go back eventually.

Speaking in Sacramento Pictures

2011-07-19T23:59:00.002-05:00

Pictures From My Sister's Wedding

2011-07-14T00:34:00.004-05:00

California, Wedding, and School

2011-07-12T13:01:00.003-05:00

I have been. So. Busy. I really don't even have time to write now, but I want to. I can catch up on the details later.

Sacramento was great. I'm not sure how much money was raised, but I know it was a significant amount. And the people... amazing. It made me want to go back to church again. I forgot the sense of family you get from the right one. We shall see. I did, however, have my flight out canceled due to maint so I decided to fly to San Francisco for the night. It was really cool looking, but I don't think I'll be going back without a friend with me. It intimidated me a bit. I'll talk about that more later. I'm still glad I went, honestly. I learned a lot about myself and I got to see a new place.

Also, my sister's wedding was Saturday. I basically planned the entire event and was pretty proud of how it turned out. Especially when I saw their smiling faces. She was so beautiful and happy. I'll have to post pictures later.

On that note, I'm going in to the college down the street to make sure everything is a go for Fall. Anyone who has read my entire blog will know this is at least the millionth time I've gone through this. Unless the sky falls, nothing should be able to stop me this time. Hopefully.

Headed to Cali

2011-07-02T00:24:00.003-05:00

I should be sleeping right now, but I can't. In a few hours I'm flying to California to speak to about 1000 people with Cheryl to help raise awareness and money for Wounded Warrior Wives and Widows. I'm excited to meet everyone and I'm always excited to do anything I can to help out all the organizations that have been there for me through the years. I'm also pretty freaking nervous. I have massive social anxiety so this is pretty much way out of my comfort zone. However, I've done it before, and because it's something I'm passionate about I always feel really good about it after I'm done. Besides, I have my girl with me! I think we make a pretty good team doing stuff like this! I always feel mucho better when she's there. She's MUCH more organized than me AND I can tell when she's nervous because her chest turns red, which - and she's gonna hate me for this - makes me feel a little better about being nervous. HA!

Anywho, I hope everyone has a wonderful fourth. Stay safe and, of course, remember what the day stands for. Wave your flags high!! And work on that killer tan while eating fattening BBQ.

<3

Cleve's 27th Birthday and PTSD Awareness Day

2011-06-27T18:01:00.003-05:00

Today is Cleve's 27th birthday. It's also PTSD awareness day. I should probably write something on both, but I'm not really feeling up to it. Here is what I will say. When Cleve died he was in inpatient PTSD therapy. PTSD - with some TBI mixed in - is what ruined our lives. His amputation was a piece of cake. In the end, I feel the PTSD took a huge part in what took his life. If he didn't have it, I think he'd still be here and our relationship wouldn't have been so strained. Just remember that it's real. If you don't know much about it, do educate yourself because many men and women are coming home with it.

Happy Birthday Cleve. I hurt today. I miss you so freaking much. I love you.

My Name is Karie and I'm a Hot Mess.

2011-06-21T12:42:00.003-05:00

The tiniest things overwhelm me. The smallest freaking things. I annoy myself with it. And when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I just stop. doing. anything. And - I forget everything. I lose days. Like, I literally have no sense of time anymore. I never know what day it is. Sometimes I forget my age. I forget conversations. I forget moments. I feel like I can hardly take care of myself. I need someone to help me. If it weren't for Nick, I don't know what I'd do. Before I leave, "Karie, don't forget to pay your rent. Don't forget your sunglasses. Remember to eat!" I mean, really? He's taken the role I use to have with Cleve. It's absolutely crazy. I'm just glad I don't have kids. My poor dog doesn't know any better, thank god. Nick even picks up the slack with her. If I had kids, they would be screwed. Oh my how things change. At this point I only aspire to be level headed.

One day, one day...

And what will I do when school starts? I'm terrified. I'm not sure I have the capacity to focus that long. Even when I'm interested in a subject, when I start feeling pressure to do something, again, I shut down. Will I do that with school? I hope not.

Sigh. What am I gonna do with myself.

On a different note I'm waiting for Melissa to get home. We're getting our bridesmaids dresses fitted for my sisters wedding today. It's coming up fast! My entire family is coming down. I'm so stoked. I haven't seen mumsy since the funeral and haven't seen daddio and my other sister since Christmas 2009. It's gonna rock.

On another different note, I've made a great friend of one of the widows I met on the American Widow Project retreat. She lives only 40 minutes away from me and we've made it a point to get together as much as possible. She rocks. And she makes me feel less crazy. People like her being placed in my life remind me of how blessed I really am. Her name is Kelly and she's the bee's knees. Last time we went out we went to a jazz thing out in a park. We watched people swing dance while sitting on a bunch under the big oak trees. It was so nice. Well, until the old man with clammy hands that smelled of B.O. asked her to dance - then asked her where she lived. We decided to move from said bench after that. Still, the night was awesome. It's the little things like good music with good company that make me truly happy.

It's about time for me to take my hot mess self to David's Bridal. I hope everyone is having a great week. <3

Love

2011-06-12T01:37:00.004-05:00

How can one heart hold so much love? Sometimes my chest feels as if it might burst.

Nick

Cleve

I love them both so much. Such an odd feeling.

<3

Losing Memories

2011-06-08T12:00:00.003-05:00

I realized something last night.

I've been noticing that remembering good times between Cleve and I has been really difficult... like... I can't remember any. There was a lot of good, though. And, remembering his face is almost impossible without looking at pictures, yet I remember almost every other guy we met in the hospitals with vivid detail. Even the ones I only met briefly.

I'd been so busy that I didn't think much about it. Then last night, when I was trying to sleep, I decided I would think of him to help me and realized my brain has blocked out huge chunks of our life together. Literally blocked out. I spent at least an hour forcing myself to remember his face. I started with his eyes, then his smile, then I'd get a flash of his face and it would be gone again. I started remembering random memories - us in the courtyard at walter reed, standing in line for pain meds, me sleeping next to his bed after a surgery. I started sobbing in my sleep. I just begged him to please not do this to me. Please don't let me forget. The memories hurt, but I want them. I need them. Especially the good ones. Why are the bad moments so vivid? SO vivid. Where are the happy times???? I want them back!!

What's scary is that those moments were moments only him and I knew. If I forget them, they are gone forever. That's terrifying. Why am I forgetting these things? Why the hell is my brain remembering the guy from the TBI clinic in 2006 perfectly, but I can't remember my husband. The person I saw every day, that I loved more than anything in the world. What is going on? I fell asleep remembering his face and for the first time I remembered him laughing. We were in North Carolina and he had met my parents for the first time ever. He was just introduced to my Nana and we were eating at Denny's. He was sitting to the left of me. He made some random joke and laughed. I had forgotten it but last night it was so clear. Yes it hurts, but I want to remember these things. I feel like I need to go back to Walter Reed and Bethesda and visit or something. Last night really scared me. I dunno. I'm losing my mind now, literally. JOY.

2011-06-07T23:33:00.003-05:00

Today was a rough day for no reason. Those happen sometimes. I almost posted something very negative - it's in my drafts - but decided not to post because I feel bad posting unnecessary negativity sometimes. Well, I had dinner with a widow - her name is Kelly - who I met in New Orleans on my AWP trip and love dearly. Talk about therapeutic. I cannot describe how nice it is to just sit with someone and talk about your woes like it's nothin' because the person you are talking to completely gets it. We can laugh and tear up and complain and it's all normal. Somehow we ended up making lists of things our husbands wanted to do but never got to and decided we MUST do them. On my list is crop dust. On hers is join the carnival and be a carnie for a few months. Obviously there were other things but we laughed so freaking hard about these two. It was awesome. I can now say I am in a good mood and will sleep well tonight despite my randomly crappy day.

:)

2011-06-01T22:00:00.001-05:00

Back and forth emotions. I miss him so much. My life is good right now but the hole remains. I would give it all to touch his face one more time. Everything. I would give my life to give him his. I would give him my happiness. Give him the ability to have a second chance. Why me? Why do I deserve it? Really, I don't. Sometimes the guilt is thick. The smile is too big, the laughter too loud. Then I imagine your face. I imagine life when you were in it and everything fades to gray again. Happiness. This is not what I expected. Life can be so sweet but it would have been sweeter with you. The real you. That is the happiness I wanted. That is all I wanted. Still, I'm lucky to have what I have now. I'm thankful. I'm thankful to you. I sat at the ocean and closed my eyes. I couldn't help but tear up thinking about you smiling. Thank you for talking with me that day. Thank you for still being there for me. I know you're happy I'm happy. And it breaks my heart even more. I know you forgive me for my mistakes. I know you miss me. I miss you. God I miss you.

Memorial Day Weekend 2011

2011-05-31T11:54:00.001-05:00

All weekend was kind of emotional for me as the thought of my husband was strong on my mind. I am thankful for the holiday, but it isn't the easiest one to get through. However, as I always feel inclined to say, I have some amazing friends. Shannon came down this weekend so I was able to play tourist. It was awesome.

We went kayaking.

Went to the beach.

And ate WAY too much...

All in all, it's one of the best weekends I've had in a while.

I know it's a day late, but I hope everyone remembered the real meaning behind memorial day. It's not just a holiday, it's not a day to thank all veterans (that's veterans day, though I think we should thank them every day), it's a day to remember all of those men and women who have sacrificed their lives for this country.

Cpl. Jimmy Cleveland Kinsey II died of accidental overdose of his pain medications taken for the leg amputation he recieved after being injured at war in Iraq. He is only one of many. I will NEVER forget their sacrifices.

I love you and miss you always babe. <3

My Life Right Now

2011-05-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

Life has been busy and good. I couldn't be more thankful for the amazing people and abundance of distractions in my life. The weather has been killer and I'm finally, for the first time in YEARS, showing signs of a tan.

Yessss.

Here are some photos of "what's been up" in my life.

Cruisin' in the Jeep with the puppy and sending silly faces to my middle sister (We take turns sending them... we are very easily amused)

Spending time outdoors with the beau and the youngist sister.

Fun times with friends. Bowling, soaking up sunshine, and enjoying life. <3

Me (Tango) bowling and Nick (Smokey) breaking it down.

Random song that seems to fit my life right now.

The End.

CNN Footage of the Trip to New Orleans with American Widow Project

2011-05-23T13:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how to post it without having to click on the link. Sorry!

Video

See if you can spot me. <3

Wounded Warrior Wives vs. Widows - Who has it worse?

2011-05-10T06:29:00.000-05:00

This topic has been a debate in my world for years. Now that I've "seen both sides" I thought it might be appropriate for me to put my two cents in, though I'm sure there are many opinions that are all across the board. This is only my opinion derived from my personal experience.

I remember a few years back, on one of my blog posts - not sure which one - I recieved a comment that more or less said, "You need to quit complaining because there are widows that would give anything to be in your position." This comment did two things. One, it pissed me off because the chick wasn't a widow or a wounded wife. Two, it made me think - did widows wish to be in my position, and was my "complaining" upsetting them? That was certainly not my intention. She definitely succeeded in making me feel bad, though I couldn't imagine anyone wanting their husband to come home physically broken, mentally completely changed, and more than anything - violent. At the same time, the thought of having to live in a world where he didn't exist was unfathomable - regardless of injury. So, my conclusion, not knowing the other side, was that yes, they would give anything to be in my shoes. Yet, I was pretty darn sure they would be upset if put into some of the situations I was, I thought...

On the other end, I have literally heard wounded warrior wives say that maybe it would've been easier if he never came home at all - this being said at their absolute lowest of lows. Imagine loaded guns, having to hide your children from their dad, 911 calls, and all from the man you love more than anything in the world. Often the servicemember comes home and is suicidal, homicidal, and/or severely injured. It sounds harsh, but families become desperate. They wish they had nothing but fond memories. They don't want to see the loves of their lives like this. The resentment, the anger, the exhuaustion - it starts to consume you. Often the family completely falls apart. Many end in divorce. In my case, it could've ended in divorce but I'll never know because he died from accidental overdose of his pain meds while in the process of finally trying to fix himself.

Now I know what it's like on both sides. Sadly.

Here is what I decided.

...you just can't compare the two. They are absolutely two different devastating situations.

Being a wounded warrior wife was an everyday, living, breathing, reminder of the devastation of the war. If your husband came back broken and mean, he would be broken and mean, potentially for the rest of your lives. The struggles are daily. It is constant fighting with the VA. You are always second to him and his wounds. You feel very, very stretched thin and it just never seems to stop. In some cases, it just gets worse over time. Now, the good thing about being a wounded wife over being a widow, is you have hope. There is always hope that your warrior can get better. There is hope for your future together. You get to touch and feel the person you love if you want to. You have a choice as to whether or not you want to be with him. Even if divorce is the only answer, you at least know that they are somewhere living their life. Even in this, it does suck, but there is some comfort in it.

Being a widow. Ha. Well, I'm just going to be honest, and I only mean this in comparing the two. We will start with the "good". The good thing, compared to wounded, is that you don't have to deal with the red tape of the VA so much. You are given time and space to process what just happened. Though the pain of the loss can be debilitating, there are days where you are actually happy, where the wounded wives really don't ever get that because the "issues" are always right in their face. The death doesn't always have to consume you. You, the widow, are put first. You have the ability to move on if you choose to. You have the ability to choose a new life, though most widows would rather have their old one. Now for the negative, which is pretty obvious. Their spouse died. They are gone forever. There is no hope for their relationship or future together. Having no hope truly sucks. Being forced to form a new life, sucks. Missing someone so freaking bad you want to burn a building down and stab the ground with a butcher knife (Ground, not person) JUST to talk to them ONE more time but knowing no matter what destruction you cause, you will NEVER get your way.... it just sucks. The "unfinished business", the regrets, the torturous memories, the loneliness, the things that were left unsaid but shouldn't have been - god, I could go on forever - but I won't. I think I've gotten the point across.

Like I said, it's just two different, crappy situations. Now that I've felt both, I get pretty upset when I hear that someone has compared one to the other to prove some kind of point. To me, those people are ignorant. If you are one of those people, you should really rethink your opinion. Unless you know both sides, you just don't know what you're talking about.

On that note, I will say I personally would give anything to just have Cleve alive... anywhere. Even if he was just the most rancid human being in the world - just knowing he is somewhere alive - I would give anything. My life has gotten a lot less stressful recently, I will hesitantly admit. And if he were alive, my life would probably be dramatic still, and I would still bitch and moan about it. But, I would trade in a heartbeat if I could. Anyone would.

Still, I NEVER want anyone attacking a wounded wife for complaining because of us widows. They have every right to do so. Widows have nothing to do with them and hell, they may even be one one day. Just leave the two separate like they should be. The war has effected many peoples lives in many different ways - None of them are fun. Support them all and let the catty stuff go.

What have I learned in all of this? I have learned that no matter what your situation, there is always something good in your life. No matter what is happening I will always do my best to find that good and hold onto it for dear life. I don't ever want to spend days wasting away being absolutely miserable again. We are here on this Earth - Let's LIVE our lives the absolute best we can. I use to take a lot of things for granted. I'm doing everything I can to never have to say that again. I've learned I can create my own reality and my own happiness. I think everyone should try it. Yes happiness is work, but man is it worth it.

And that -- is my opinion on that.

Karie and Cheryl

2011-05-08T18:27:00.000-05:00

Homesick Feeling

2011-05-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

I hate the homesick feeling I get when I think of him too much. I literally feel sick.

Anyone think I'm bipolar yet?

This grief thing. It's a constant tug of war. Happy against sad. Back and forth.

Cleve has been topic of conversation a lot recently. First with New Orleans - Now I'm going in and trying to get medical records I don't have. I never got an autopsy report, either. The thought of it makes me ill. I was in the middle of figuring out how the heck to go about getting it and started tearing up. Maybe I don't want to know the details of his death. I already know what he looks like when he overdoses. I don't want to think about it. I have to do it, though. Now tonight I'm meeting with the Huffington Post to talk about him more. I want to do it, but it isn't easy for me. What sucks is these kinds of things make me wish he was here to hold my hand. He was always with me through the hard stuff. I mean, we went through some harddd stuff together. But he's not here for any of this. It makes me miss him even more.

I've started to forget little things about him. I get so frustrated. I close my eyes and try to remember him perfectly, but there are glitches. I hate it. I don't want to forget him. I wish I would've taken more videos.

That was random...

Ugh. I've been crying a lot more. The more I move on, the more I think about him. This is all so weird and confusing.

I kind of want to pitch a temper tantrum.

*I totally wrote this earlier but didn't post it...*

We got back from the dinner a few hours ago. It was pretty laid back. He was just getting to know Cheryl, Bryan, and I. I won't really talk about any of this in any more detail because I don't want to step on anyones toes or whatever, but I will say he is a really nice guy. Not intimidating at all, which is cool. Dinner was very nice. I currently feel like a ginormous lardo, but it was so worth it. Steak and cheesecake baby!

Anywho, we have a real interview and massages tomorrow. I should probably get some sleep.

Which, by the way, I slept ALL day today!!! I feel SO refreshed!!!

American Widow Project in New Orleans Cont'd

2011-05-05T12:06:00.001-05:00

While I have a minute before the insanity of the weekend begins, I wanted to write a little more about my trip to New Orleans. Really, I just want to write about the impact it really did have. I've been thinking about it a lot.

This past year has been difficult. Ha. Difficult actually doesn't describe it at all. If I think of a better word before I'm done writing, I will rewrite.

I've been going off of... nothing, to figure out this widow thing. I question myself a lot. I even questioned how I became a widow. He didn't actually die overseas. He came back. I had four years with him before he was taken away. And those four years were far from easy. How would other widows understand me or even like me? Am I even considered a military widow? Is it ok that I'm still mad at him for how he treated me when he was alive? Am I moving on too fast? Am I weird for having issues with the inlaws? Is it weird that I push the term "widow" away from me? Why do I travel so much? Why am I forgetting things? Do I cry too much? Is it ok to still miss him SO much, but love someone else too?

So many questions. Talk about a HUGE weight to constantly be unsure of every single thing you do.

Well, thank GOD for the internet. I found American Widow Project through other widows, I believe. I found those widows through blogs. I started by adding their facebook, then going to their website to read some of the stories they have posted. If you've never gone, you should totally check it out. They have tons of stories from different widows on there. The first few stories I read really redirected my life. The first one was of a girl whose marriage was NOT perfect before he died. Still, her anguish was so real. I knew that pain. I knew that guilt. I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one who had experienced something like this. I NEEDED to. The guilt before reading that was so thick I could hardly breath. Then I realized... this is life. Life isn't perfect. And death - it doesn't wait for things to be perfect for it to happen. It just... happens. I was able to let go of some of my guilt after reading that.

Then, I came across something that (and I'm remembering all of this from memory...bare with me) said something along the lines of, "Your husband is gone and there is a living, breathing man in front of you. Take a chance." If that isn't exactly what it said, that is what I got out of it. It was obviously much longer, but it spoke to me. At that time, Nick was around but I was very stand offish. I didn't feel it was an appropriate time to be dating. Though, I had to admit I did have a little crush on him and it made me feel HORRIBLE! After reading that I decided to let go and just see what happens. It ended up being the best decision I could have made. I will admit, I have had moments where if I was left alone I could have been self destructive. There is a side to me that just wants to destroy myself when things get really bad. Not suicidal, but just get into trouble and go crazy because I just don't care. He has kept me from doing that. He shows me every day that I'm worth something. He shows me that life is worth living - that life is still going and it's still beautiful. If I hadn't read that article on AWP's website, I don't know if I would have allowed myself to take this chance. I might have ended up in some club doing drugs somewhere. Who knows. It's embarrassing, but the thoughts crossed my mind. Instead, I'm thriving. All because of a few words of hope that spoke to me and gave me the courage to attempt being happy.

Now, after the trip, I came home, dropped my bags and realized I had gotten this boost of energy. I had met 14 amazing women that were SO different. But every one of them were dealing with a massive loss. They all did it in their own way, but they are all thriving. The smiles, the laughter, the friendship - all of it so powerful. Every story gave me hope. The ability to be ourselves. The freedom to be happy and to love and to live. I'm trying to find the words...

I just feel like a huge, huge weight has been lifted. The self doubt is gone. I feel like I can take on the world now without regret. It's nuts how others can help so much without knowing it. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to repay them. When I thought I would be judged for the way this happened to me, I was accepted with open arms and reassured that we are all in this together.

They say everyone comes into your life for a reason. Well, I feel like every girl who happened to be on this trip NEEDED to be there to give me some closure. Every one of them.

Death sucks. Especially when the person who died is the person you love more than anything in the world. Seeing everyong be so... positive... was absolutely life changing.

So. I said it before, and I'll say it again - American Widow Project is a necessity to military widows. If you need to feel some sense of normalcy, please sign up for a trip. You won't regret it.

I feel so relieved. I kinda just want to prance down the street and hand people balloons or something. HA!

Huffington Post Interview and Cheryl's House

2011-05-04T19:27:00.001-05:00

I know I just came back from New Orleans, but first thing tomorrow morning I'll be headed to hang out with Cheryl for the weekend. We have an interview with the Huffington Post. He was going to come down here to interview me after interviewing Cheryl but I decided Id rather just go up there and do it with her. This way I can kill two birds with one stone. I feel like I haven't seen her in a while. It's about time!

Yesterday I got melatonin and am going to try that for a while. I'm really hoping it helps with my sleep. I'm still terrified of prescription meds and really don't want to take any. At the same time, I've been having night terrors. I forgot to mention that in my last post. I wake up FREAKED out and I don't know why. Usually I wake myself up yelling and panicking. It's so exhausting. I need to be able to function. If this doesn't work then I really will go to the doctor. I'm sure I'll get over my irrational fear if I have to.

I guess I should pack. Every time I go somewhere I try so hard to not overpack and always fail miserably. I have this fear that I'll leave the ONE thing that I'll die without, so I just pack everything I own. I shall try to avoid this this time.

American Widow Project in New Orleans

2011-05-03T15:23:00.000-05:00

I'm still in a fog from lack of sleep, but I want to talk about the weekend for a minute.

Where to begin...

Um, there were fifteen of us all together. Most of them, their husbands died over seas, however there were also two suicides, then my situation. Every single persons story was so different. The way they reacted to what happened was so different. It was amazing. And I needed to see that. The amount of time we had been widows ranged from 4 months to 8 years, which was also very cool. There were girls that were engaged again, then girls who have not dated since their husband's died. There were girls who had the most amazing relationship in the entire world with their husbands, and girls that were on the verge of divorce at the end. It was all there. And it was so comforting. You have no idea how unsure I was about myself and how I was handling things. I had nothing to compare it to. Yes, people would tell me I was normal and that I have been doing a good job, but I didn't know for sure. Now I do.

One of the things I realized is that I'm very lucky to have found Nick. Where a couple of the girls have no interest in dating at all, most of the ones I talked to wanted love again and missed it. Some girls had been burned from other guys since then and others just haven't met anyone. I, on the other hand, had this amazing person just appear in my life. I had been questioning whether or not my relationship made me a bad widow, but I realized I'm no different than anyone else. I just got... lucky. I came home and gave him a huge hug. He's so awesome.

As I said before we worked on a ladies house for two days. We did things like sanding and mudding and drywall. I mostly did sanding and priming. I have sweet guns as a result. The orgnaization we worked with was called the St. Bernard Parish Project . They are totally awesome people. I definitely recommend them if you're ever considering doing some volunteer work in that area. They're giving people their lives back. We actually got to be there for a house being presented to it's owner. SO cool! She was so happy to have her home back.

That being said, the weekend was really emotional for me. Partly because I was running on very little sleep, and also because I NEVER live my life like a widow. I just don't. I push that title away and do my best to live life like a normal person. All my "widowness" has been kept to this blog. Well, I get to New Orleans and that's what I was... a widow. One of fifteen widows. It was good for me to accept that that is a part of who I am and to be with others who are in the same boat. It was almost relieving. I didn't have to hide that part of me. I could talk about it and the person on the other end of the conversation would have something relevent to say back. What I really liked about this retreat was it wasn't based on sitting in a circle and talking about your problems. It was helping yourself by helping others and by making friends that get you. It was perfect - genius, really. I've been on the other kind of retreats and came home feeling drained. Everything was so focused on the negative. This wasn't like that. It was fun. We laughed, and we found comfort in each others's laughter.

That being said, I have social issues. Yes, I knew this before, but it felt really apparent this weekend. I know part of it was lack of sleep. I mean, I was tired - beyond tired. Still, this trip really made me realize how self concious and awkward I can be when there are a lot of personalities around. I'm the type of person that when there are a lot of people, I take a back seat and let them do their thing. To the point of literally hanging in the back and saying nothing. I do, however, do just fine when there is a smaller group. I'm more talkative and outgoing. A lot of the girls were outgoing and I loved watching them do their thing. I envied them even. I wish I was like that. I'm just so aware of my surroundings. I'm distracted by things and I think too much. I dunno. I think this is something I really need to work on. Not because I think there is anything wrong with me necessarily, but because I don't want to miss out on friendships because of it. That's what bothered me the most.

On another note - my lack of sleep. Dude, I have never had such little sleep and it literally made me feel crazy. I was OK on the trip, for the most part. I just wasn't able to process thoughts as well as usual. However, the last night I was there I sleep walked. We were in three different suites with six girls in two of them and three in the other. Well, I apparently walked into the room of two of my roommates and went into their closet. I was bumping into walls and ended up turning their tv around. They tried to talk to me but I was responsive. I then went to the bathroom then went back to bed...

Whoa.

I thought they were joking when they told me that originally, but they were dead serious. It was embarrassing, then funny, and now a little scary. Especially because last night I couldn't get to sleep despite how tired I was and ended up being thoroughly paranoid. I couldn't think straight, I started thinking people hated me, I was too scared to fall asleep for some reason, then ended up in the shower trying to calm down a crying fit/panic attack. Nick ended up coming and saving me. He calms me down so much. Though I'm a little afraid he thinks I'm nuts now. I just didn't realize lack of sleep can literally make you feel crazy. I think after experiencing that I'm going to finally go to a doctor and get on sleeping pills. Feeling like that scared the crap out of me.

Ok, so overall the weekend was just amazing. American Widow Project is a necessity to widows. I really believe that and I think all military widows should experience one of their trips. I hope to go on another one in the future.

Bin Laden is Dead

2011-05-02T17:45:00.000-05:00

I found this out with 14 other military widows in the middle of New Orleans holding a gigantic cup with a frozen Hurricane in it. Were we happy? Yes. And we had a great night afterward. People were screaming, "BIN LADEN'S DEAD!" in the streets. Moral was high. However, this morning I woke up and realized this could equate to more deaths in the future. The future. That is what scares me. I'm not a political person and I don't ever claim to know what I'm talking about, but it seems that this could lead to some very angry people wanting revenge. That makes me sad. More death. That's exactly what we need.

Well, I'm just gonna hope for the best. Regardless, I'm glad that the man that started this hot mess has gotten his. I hope all of our husbands greeted him and kicked his souls ass.

Ok. I am so tired that I was sleep walking last night, apparently, so I'm going to go sleep.

Headed Out Tomorrow

2011-04-28T17:24:00.001-05:00

I am currently sitting here waiting for Katie to fly in. We are driving to New Orleans tomorrow! I'm so excited to meet the other ladies. One of the other widows lives really close so we may meet up with her and convoy in.

So far the itinerary only says we will be working pretty hard building a house on Sat and Sun. The rest of the time was fairly up in the air. Unless I forgot a detail, which I may have. Anyway, I shall report back after it's all said and done. I can't find my camera charger so I may purchase some disposable cameras. Ha! I love using them, anway. They're fun. I'm sure the other ladies will take plenty of pictures on regular camera's.

Okay! Going to take a shower, finish packing and go get Miss Katie.

Cleve's First Steps

2011-04-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

Dude, I just found this video.

Heart. Break.

I miss him so much.

Note the shirt and the comment about wanting a machine gun leg next...<3

Thinking of You

2011-04-26T23:49:00.001-05:00

Hello Cleveland,

Life is starting to move too easily recently. Smiling and laughing are a lot easier. Though... I still feel strange doing it sometimes. Eye contact with people is still a little weird, too. It makes me feel like they can read my mind and this whole "Oh, I'm fine!" gig is going to be ruined.

Now I'm rambling.

I guess that being said, life is only easier because I'm use to feeling weird all the time. I'm use to having my imaginary friend - you - with me all the time. Thinking of you as my guardian angel or something gives me some peace with all of this. You aren't really gone, you're just not visible.

Anyway, what I was saying, I'm starting to feel like I'm the rope in a tug of war battle. I am... so... happy sometimes and then I feel like crap for being able to say that. Why couldn't we ever feel this way? Why couldn't we be like this when we were together? Life was so mean to us. We never got a chance to just live our lives. It was always something horrid. I hate it. If I could have one thing in the world, it would be to let you feel some of the peace I've been able to feel recently. And no, everything isn't perfect. Nothing ever will be without you here... But. Being able to see past all the crap and hold onto the beauty. We didn't know how to do that before. It breaks my heart that it took.... this.... to make it happen for me. Sometimes I wish it would have happened the other way around. You're the one who sacrificed so much already. It wasn't fair that it happened this way. Ha... it wouldn't be fair for you to be sitting alone in your living room missing me, either. Lose, lose, huh? It's funny, Justin is always saying I need to keep my head up because you're probably laughing your ass off in heaven making fun of us losers being cry babies. He's probably right.

Just know I do it because I love you. Not completely because I'm a massive sap. I really, really, really, really hope I get to see you again one day. And I really hope you're proud of me right now. I'm doing the best I can.

One favor, Mr. Guardian angel... Just... don't let me do anything stupid. Sometimes I feel so lost. Help me know what to do next. I think you have been already, and if all of this has had anything to do with you... Thank you.

If words could describe the way I want to see your face right now. But they can't.

I love you and miss you... so. much.

-Me

Bring On Year Two

2011-04-23T14:37:00.000-05:00

I made it past a year. Now what?

I keep thinking. A year ago today, I could barely force myself to walk. To breath. My mind had become consumed with death and guilt and fear. I felt like I had nothing. And here I am today with dreams and love and sunny days. My love for him will never die. I will never be able to fill the hole that he left in my chest. I will think about him everyday, and every night I will close my eyes and hope to wake up and realize this had all been a dream. The things is, despite everything, I've managed to be.... happy. I'm happy.

How did I manage that?

I feel a little guilty. Should I be this content? Shouldn't I be balled up in my closet still?

I've decided I just need to embrace it - appreciate the goodness because I know now that it can all be snatched away in an instant. If that happens, I don't want to look back with a ton of regrets. Been there, and it sucks.

So. The future is lookin' good, guys. I was accepted to a school in the area, however it's about an hour drive. I'm trying to get registered at one that's a little closer. I also have the American Widow Project retreat in New Orleans coming up. Cheryl and I are going to California to speak to a church in July and raise money for Wounded Warrior Wives. Matt and Shannon are going to be meeting Nick next month - we're all going camping! I REALLY want to do the TAPS run and remember thing in Anchorage - that depends on when school starts.

Lot's of random awesomeness.

On that note, I need to take advantage of the rest of the day. I have been la-zay!

Forcing myself to cry

2011-04-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

Ok. I can write now. I need to write because I need to cry.

Ha. That did it!

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I did the day he died. Numb. I just don't really want to be numb anyomore. Writing pries the emotions I would typically bottle up right out of me. So. I have Adele on repeat and here I am doing what I've been doing for years to cope with... everything, I guess.

They found him an hour ago. I've always said time is your friend. Well, it's also an evil reminder of bad times. I went out last night and I'm so thankful I did because any moment of silence that I had, I found myself starting at the clock wondering if that was the exact moment he died. The details of what might have happened that night are repeating in my head again. I hate it. The images I get are horrible. I know what he looked like when he overdoses. I've seen it. I've seen him dieing. It's too vivid and it breaks my %&*%&* heart. I wonder if he thought about me. I wonder if he was scared or in pain. God, I hope not. Sometimes I wish I could just wipe my memory of all of it. It just hurts too damn bad.

I'm starting this flag football thing soon and the coach is a guy Cleve and I went to school with. I was looking through the guys pictures on facebook and he had a picture of himself in his football jersey. Dude. I remember Cleve's football picture. I've been thinking a lot about before we were even married. When we were just kids. I just can't believe how this whole thing panned out. Sitting in English class with him a few seats over, not having any idea that he would be my husband one day - that I would wrap his wounds - that I would later bury him. I remember watching the twin towers fall. In English class, actually. Ha. They just crumbled and it was so horrible. But... we had no idea how horrible it would be in the end.

Oh, god.

I feel ancient. And exhausted. WHEN does it end?

I miss seeing him look like a total nerd in his feety pajamas. He wanted them so bad but he would NOT have anything to do with them if they did not have a butt flap. I ordered him some - with a butt flap - along with a big fuzzy hat and aviators. He was so freaking happy. He put it all on and looked like - seriously - the biggest freaking nerd I've ever seen in my life. I made him take pictures and the way he posed was by waving at the camera with a ginormous grin on his face. Man, I miss that kind of stuff.

He use to scream, "OUCH!", when someone would accidentally step on his prosthetic leg. The person would get all freaked and apologize. Then he would crack up laughing, pull up his pant leg, and tap the prosthetic with his cane. He was always really upbeat about his amputation. We just turned it into a joke. It made it tolerable. I even miss carrying his legs. I miss being around amputees in general. That's probably weird to hear, but there is something about it that is comforting for some reason. There was a man at the festival a few weeks back that had the same amputation as Cleve. I couldn't stop staring at it. They caught me and I felt bad because I know that feeling of all eyes on you. But I couldn't stop. It was like seeing him. I have a lot of moments like that. Someone will remind me of him and my chest will feel like it's caving in.

Well, here's to year two. Thinking about living an ENTIRE other year sounds tiring right this minute. I would say it can only get better from here, but I'm terrified of being proven wrong again. So, I'll just say I am going to bust my ass to make the year awesome.

Ok. I'm going to take a nap. I'm tired.

One year since you've been gone

2011-04-20T09:41:00.001-05:00

I don't have the energy to write much, but it's been a year.

Baby, I love you.

To You

2011-04-19T18:22:00.001-05:00

Babe, I need to talk to you for a second. A year and two hours ago you got off the phone with me to go to the store. You were suppose to call me back. You never did. At some point between then and 11 the next morning you died. It makes me sick to think that I was just prancing around living my life while you were taking your last breath. There's a sick part of me that wishes I knew when it was. Did you mean to not call me back? Or did you die before you got a chance to? What the hell happened in that time? You know how people will talk about a tragedy and claim that they could "feel something was wrong" during the time it was happening even though they weren't there? Well, I had that feeling when you were first injured. Shannon remembers me saying something to her then soon after we got the call to come be with you in DC. The things is, nothing like that happened this time. I didn't feel anything. I don't get it. I often wonder if maybe I had felt something, I would have felt inclined to call one of your nurses and have them check on you. Maybe I could've saved you. But nothing.

I don't know why I think of this crap. It's pointless now. I will change the subject.

This year has gone by really fast. Everyone has taken good care of me and I've done everything I can to do things I've always wanted to and to stay positive despite you not being here. Some days I just don't care anymore, but I know you would want more than that for me. I've been doing some traveling. Nothing major. I went back to Vegas and NYC. While in New York I REALLY wanted to go to the Italian place that you and I had gone to twice before, but I couldn't find it and couldn't remember what it was called. Well, Melissa and I decided to go out one night and while lost we went into this random bar and had a glass of wine. I didn't recognize where we were until I saw the stairs going into the basement where we always sat. I realized it was totally our place! Did you help me get there? Thank you. In Vegas we went back to the Venetian. I didn't do the gondalas this time, but it was fun to see. Other than that I'm planning to start school soon. I still want to be a writer. Lord knows I need to brush up. It's been a while! I have started doing a teensy bit of writing for an online magazine. She is very nice to let me do it. It's good practice considering I had never written any articles before. Also, I think I may be joining an all girls flag football team. You would be proud. There will be quite a few people from our highschool. I think you played football with our coach. If you were here I bet you would've wanted to help. Oh! I've lost 16 pounds of said hospital weight. I work out a LOT now. For that, you would think I was not your wife. It's funny, I actually love it now. I even run. OUTSIDE!

Anyway. You probably can't even hear this. So, now I'm talking to myself. But if you can... I love you. And I wait for you in my dreams. You can stop by anytime you want. Please do.

Love Always,
Me

Looking Back

2011-04-16T12:03:00.000-05:00

With only days left until the year anniversary of Cleve's death, I'm trying to remember this last year.

Where did it go?

I can still remember his voice. The last conversation we had. The last time I saw his face. It's still so fresh in my mind. I still miss him so badly. This month has reminded me of the emptiness in my chest. Remembering the last month he was alive. Us thinking we had our whole lives to fix what had been so badly broken. Us finally finding an ounce of hope only for it to be ripped from us hours later. Being at work and getting the phone call saying, "Karie sit down. Cleve is dead." I remember the initial feeling. It was not of sadness, but of disbelief. Shock. "Are you &*$#@ kidding me?" I threw the phone and hit the ground. Maybe if I threw it and shut my eyes I would wake up. I could make those words go away. Cleve is dead. I still wonder how God thought it was ok to let things happen like this. Days later when I saw him in his casket and everything we had been through flashed through my mind in an instant. I fell to the ground as I finally realized it was true. From that point on all I could do was hold onto his Staff Sargeant. The Marine Corps uniform brought me comfort and gave me strength. My friends stood by me watching the person I was before that day die. The months after - alone in our room, crying. Crying harder, hoping that if God knew how much pain I was in, maybe he would take it all back. Maybe, I would wake up. Punching my bed, throwing things - screaming. Begging Cleve to please just appear. I had to talk to him. I had to say goodbye. If I could have nothing else, at least let me say goodbye and tell him I love him. Even now that life seems to be moving on, he is always on my mind. I still accidentally call people by his name. When I'm alone, especially at night, I will sometimes feel like he is playing with my hair. Holding my hand. I close my eyes and I can see his face. He doesn't say anything, but he looks at me and I know he just wants me to be ok.

God. I could not have loved anyone more. It hurts to miss someone so much.

And this has been my month. Remembering times with him. Remembering the journey through the past year. Still trying to make sense of everything since we were married.

I will say, "things" have gotten a bit easier. You learn to compartmentalize your sorrow. I've mastered giving myself time to be sad, like now, then moving on with the day and finding ways to smile again. I have learned to appreciate life again. Things like swinging on the side of the ocean or having a laugh with your friend. I've learned the importance of telling the ones you love how you feel and often. I've learned that I have many friends. I've learned that even when you have been smashed to pieces, you do have the ability to pick up those pieces and put yourself back together. You may not be exactly as you were before, but sometimes you may even end up a better version of yourself. I've learned that it's ok to cry and be vulnerable. It's ok to talk out loud to someone you've lost. It's ok to love them and love someone else, too. I could go on forever. This has been a year of growing and learning and finding myself again.

I'm sure I will write something else on the 20th. I'm going to do everything I can to have a somewhat decent day. Melissa took off work. Now I just hope it's sunny out. Though, clouds would be appropriate.

Cleve,
The world is not ok without your smiling face. I still miss you so much. I don't think I will ever fully move on. You are a part of me. You always will be. I love you more than any word can describe. God, I hope you know that. Thank you for the memories. More than anything, thank you for loving me. I hope I see you again. I will not be complete until that day comes.

This is why I live here

2011-04-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share that yesterday was one of the best days I've had ever. The day was absolutely gorgeous. We went out on the boat and found this abandoned area that had swingsets in a circle by the water. Melissa and I bolted for them and swang as high as we could. We could not stop giggling. Between that and all the dolphins - Pure. Happiness.

Also, the nominations for the best military spouse blog are out. There are a lot of very good ones so make sure to go put in your vote here -

http://milblogconference.milblogging.com/401/best-u-s-military-spouse-blog/#idc-cover

All you have to do is put the name of the blog and the link to it.

Love you guys and hope you've had as good of a week as I have. <3

Independence

2011-04-12T13:57:00.000-05:00

Today is a beautiful day. I woke up, walked outside, took a deep breath and took in the scent of honeysuckles in the air. There is not a cloud in the sky and the wind mixed with the warmth of the sun comes together to create the absolute perfect temperature. I opened the door and windows, made some breakfast, and took off to the gym. Days like this help me think more clearly. Something about the bright sky. On the way home I was thinking about all of my flaky tendencies. I really want to move past this part of myself and I was trying to think about what my issue is exactly. Why am I so scared to do little things? Because, really, that is why I don't do a lot of the things I should.It intimidates me or seems too difficult, so I just don't do it. Then I realized, I've never had to be alone. Not really. For instance, my driver's license - the last one I got, I went with my mother to get. And I went with Cleve to get all my military id's. Last week was the first time I had to do it alone. I had to decide to go on my own and be responsible. I'm learning how to be independent for the first time in my life. I don't have anyone to take care of me and I don't have anyone to take care of. It's... weird. And apparently it's taking some getting use to. Part of me has experienced so much in life and has grown so much as a result. The other part of me is still stuck at the age of 19 before getting married. Our marriage wasn't normal, either. We literally lived it in hospitals and even there, we had the military taking care of us. We constantly had people jumping at us wanting to help with anything we needed. Now I'm in this civilian world, in my own apartment, fending for myself. In the end, it's good for me, but MAN is it taking a long time to get use to! I'm working on it. I think I'm finally getting a hang of it... kind of. My list has definitely shortened, at least. Oh, independence. It will be nice when you are mastered.

On another note, I got my information for the child I am now sponsoring! I'm about to write her a letter and send her a picture! I'm excited and so happy I am able to help her and her family a little.

The Beau

2011-04-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

I have been really vague about my new boyfriend. I've had my reasons. I just didn't want to spring it on everyone. Plus, I do like some privacy. In this case I just wanted to make sure he was going to be around for a while before I talked about him too much. Well, I think the time has come to give a few details. Some of the people who have been reading for a while are probably wondering who the heck this guy is anyway.

Ok. I met him a while back at a cigar bar that I had never been to. I went with Melissa and her husband Robin. Robin ended up sitting next to Nick(That is his name) and they just sort of hit it off. As they were talking, Robin found out that he lived in our apartment complex. After that he invited him to go to another place with us to shoot pool. He decided to tag along. As we were playing pool, he leaned over and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes." That was the first thing he had said to me. For a long while we were just friends. I didn't talk too much about my "situation" with him, but he caught on pretty quick and kept things really casual as a result. It just felt like things flowed naturally. Eventually we became closer. We really hit it off in New Orleans on my birthday. I would say that is when we were officially a couple. It definitely felt weird. I've tried to break up with him a few times because this whole thing kinda freaked me out, but in the end he is good for me. I've finally decided to just let go and allow myself to be happy. Looking back, I'm glad I had him. I'm afraid I would have done some stupid things if he weren't there. It's easy to do when you just don't care about anything. He helped me to care again.

Now for details about him. :)

His name is Nick. He is from Louisiana and he is Cajun. He is nothing like the guys on Swamp People. Hopefully you have a little more faith in me than that! The good thing about Cajuns is they can COOK! His dad is the best cook on the planet and invites us over on weekends when he's home to stuff our faces. Nick loves to cook, too, which makes me quite happy. He is a Pharmacy Technician. He use to be in the Navy, but isn't anymore. He's 32, so a little older than me. We seem to be in the same place mentally, though. I don't really relate to people my own age at all. We both love music. That is one of the things we initially bonded over. He has really pretty eyes. He loves doing things outside - When he's around, I am not allowed to wallow in the apartment - We are always doing SOMETHING. He's a very positive and laid back person. He doesn't let things get him down much and never really loses his temper. He's OCD about cleaning and it's AWESOME! Though he makes me feel like a slob, it's nice to be around someone who is clean. He's very supportive of all the things I want to do even if they are far fetched. He doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, which is seriously refreshing. He thinks the WORLD of me for some reason. He also thinks I'm beautiful, which is always nice. He's really, really funny and thinks I am, too. He gets along with everyone. He is very understanding of my feelings for Cleve and lets me do my "widow thing". And last, but not least, he loves my dog.

So. There ya go.

The Government Shutdown

2011-04-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

Since when is it OK, America, to send our men and women overseas and cut off their paycheck? I realize they are not the only ones effected by this, but it absolutely breaks my heart to think of how betrayed they must feel to be risking their lives for this "great" country, only to be told that country is going to cut off their lifesource. You know what that would say to me? That they don't give a shit. They have families at home that they worry about already. They don't need this! I truly hope we can get our shit together in time to prevent this from happening. If this happens and one person comes home dead during this, I will lose my mind.

Oh, and now I'm hearing that if someone DOES die during this time, their families benefits will be on hold. Ha... this is so ridiculous.

I know that there are resources to help the families of deployed and I'm sure someone will be willing to help families of someone who died, but I don't care. No one should have to pick up the slack for these morons stupid decisions. And, it is now putting these families in a bad position. How do you feel when you go to the grocery store and your card is declined? And how much do you like asking for a handout? How about asking for a handout after your SPOUSE DIED!?

Now, I shall be positive and assume it won't be that big of a deal. Either it won't happen at all, or it will only be a few days. I hope.

End rant.

Here are a few resources. As I find more, I will post them.

-CNN
http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2011/04/politics/interactive.govt.shutdown.list/index.html?hpt=T2

-Veterans Administration
http://www.va.gov/FieldGuide_Flyer_Final_6261.pdf

-Military Family Association (This has information on recieving financial help)
http://www.militaryfamily.org/feature-articles/government-shutdown-what.html

I'M LEGAL!!

2011-04-07T20:52:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you will know the significance of this.

I FINALLY have a valid driver's license and tag on my car.

NO warrant. NO using my passport to order a drink. NO being worried about being pulled over everytime I drive.

I'm so very excited.

For those of you who do NOT know what the heck I'm talking about, I wrote previously that I was having issues getting normal, everyday things done. What takes one person a day, takes me months - literally. Well, this was one of the things on the list. I had been driving around with no license and no tag since August - Yes, August. I am VERY happy to mark it off my list. My mom will be very happy as well.

Now I can move on to other things.

Scatterbrained

2011-04-04T00:15:00.000-05:00

I am very emotional tonight. Not just sad, but also very much in love. Because of said emotions, I have a ton of random thoughts flying through my head that are making me crazy.

This.

Is why I blog.

Thoughts in no particular order:

My boyfriend--saved me. I honestly look at the way he just appeared in my life, at what seemed to be the worst time humanly possible, and ended up being the most--beautiful blessing. I wrote a while back about how I questioned there being a God because of everything that had happened. I just felt there was no way there is a being out there so mean to allow things like my pathetic life to ever even happen in the first place only to end in such -- pain. Then I met him. And looking back it was perfect timing. I needed him. Yes, I would have survived without him. However, he showed me how to enjoy sunshine again. He showed me I am beautiful. He has literally given me my life back. I will forever be grateful to him for this. There has to be a god, nothing else could explain it. And yes, I'm very much in love with him. And finally, I know I don't have to feel guilty about that.

That leads me into my next "thought". I am very... very thankful for the internet. Through the internet I have had the absolute blessing of being able to meet other widows. These women, some I have hardly even spoken to, have each inspired me in some way to, again, help me live my life and live it with pride instead of guilt. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if you are normal. I mean, everything from dating to feelings of "relief" to guilt...god I could go on for days. Your brain does cartwheels. These women have helped me feel normal.

And now an (I'm sure) controversial thought. I was listening to the Glee song that mixes "Singing in the Rain" and "Umbrella" by Rihanna. Happy song, right? Wrong. I was singing along, "Singing in the rain!! Just siiiinging in the raiiin! What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!" I stopped, and realized I am happy again. And then realized, I felt... relief almost with Cleve gone. Before you get offended or think I'm evil (You can start by reading the last year of my blog), I would give my life to bring him back to life. I would endure his anger, my weight gain, and anything else I had to, everyday of the rest of my life if I could get him back. However, though mentally I have had a really rough time, it is physically easier to live now. I'm not even sure that makes sense. It's so hard to explain. I can't even fully wrap my mind around it. When I realized it that moment, though, I burst into tears and probably looked like a freaking nut job. The thought, really upset me. I will never, ever listen to that song the same way again. And yes, I have guilt over this feeling. It always comes back to guilt.

And lastly. People give widows rules that make sense to them, then freak out when they don't follow them. This is probably the most difficult thing about being a widow, besides the obvious. Always feeling like people are watching your every move and then feeling like you MUST please everyone. Here's what I've seen. Year one. People assume you are going to be balled up in a corner mourning your husband's death 24/7 unable to function. Then the day after the year anniversary, people expect you to snap back and go back to your life. Year one, SURELY you aren't going to DATE someone. SURELY you are not capable of...having FUN. I mean, everytime someone asks how I'm doing and I tell them any detail about my life their response is like... shocked or something. "You are doing SO well. I don't know how you do it!" Well. I'm a human. And this is life. The intelligent thing to do, in my mind, is to attempt living it. And now that the year point is coming up I'm just starting to feel pressured to like... move on more. Hell, it even impresses me, honestly, that I have been able to consistantly blog about my husbands death for an entire year. Holy. Crap. I'm obsessed. And it sucks because the pressure from feeling like I was "living too much" is finally starting to let up because, "I've had enough time to grieve now". The REALLY gross thing is, I put this "box" on widows before I was one. I didn't mean anything by it. I just had NO idea WHAT THE HELL I was talking about on the subject. It's ignorance. Tis all. I'm not mad about it, it's just frustrating. I try to ignore it but when it comes down to it, I do care what others think about me and I'm a people pleaser. So it's hard on me. And, for the record, I have NO idea what I'm going to do with myself in "year two". Sorry to disappoint anyone who was expecting anything more. I plan to go to school, but my plans change with the wind. Who knows where I'll be even a week from now. For me, that is how I need to be to survive this, so that is how I'm going to be.

For anyone who judges someone in my situation, please don't. God forbid it ever happens to you, you will realize everything you thought "this" was or would be, it isn't. Widowdom has a mind of it's own. You are taken over by it and are forced to just go along for the ride. Let us ride in peace.

So. Yea. Scatta brained.

Alive Day

2011-04-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

Five years ago today, Cleve survived the IED in Iraq. A few hours from now is when I recieved the call and my entire life changed forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Up until he died, it was the scariest moment of my life. I miss that sigh of relief. The feeling I got when I turned the corner in his hospital room and finally saw his smiling face. It was the proof I needed to KNOW for sure that he was ok after hearing he'd been injured. Today, I'm not going to have that, but it's ok. I'm just glad I had a few extra years to spend with him. No matter how difficult they were sometimes, I will cherish them. The good times - The laughs, the adventures, the love.

I love you.

Today I'm going to Birmingham to be with our best military friends. I'm hoping for drunken Cleve talk. I need to cry with someone who loved him, too.

**Wife [Widow] of a Wounded Marine**